Funny World Cup Jokes and Football Stories
Will and Guy are collecting funny World Cup jokes suitable for the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. June 12th - July 13th.
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die when England next win the World Cup."
"You crafty devil!" said the fairy.
World Cup 2014 - Jokes From Brazil
Observe how Simon Brodkin, AKA as Lee Nelson, is booted and suited identically to the English football squad members, he is even waving his passport.
Brodkin might have got away with his stunt, remember that many of the squad don't actually know each other, but fortunately Steven Gerrard knows everybody, he rumbled Simon's ruse straightaway, and hollered for the security officers.
[Footnote: Brazilians themselves favour humour based on slapstick or parody.]
England's Heroes Return Home
When the English Football Team flew home from Brazil, they arrived to a rapturous welcome at the airport. Hundreds of fans clapped, cheered and waved flags as the team disembarked from the airplane.
Roy Hodgson, the coach, was smiling as he told the waiting reporters. "I am delighted to be in Scotland and very happy that the plane was diverted to Glasgow Airport".
Listen Out For Bloopers in Commentary
Perhaps unfairly, David Coleman is forever assocated with Colemanballs during his commentary. Here are 5 classic football bloopers:
Fuleco the Armadillo will be the official mascot for the 2014 World Cup. Ful denotes from Futebol (Football) and eco is short for Ecologia (Ecology).
The beast is a representation of the Brazilian three-banded armadillo which is an endangered. Naturally, the mascot carries the colors of the Brazilian flag the armadillo is yellow, with green shorts and a blue shell. Fuleco is dressed in a white shirt emblazed with the words "Brazil 2014".
Nigeria and Argentina's 1-1 draw will go ahead on 25th June, despite match fixing allegations.
At one point during a football match in Brazil, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.
'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.
'Good', said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'
Question: Why won't the English fans get a cup of tea
during the Italy game?
Interviewer: What do you think of the Brazilian
squad announced by Italy?
A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A World Cup football coach?'
The ball is a new 6-panelled 'Brazuca' made by Adidas. It's interesting how each World Cup rubbishes the previous ball, and then makes zillions through producing a new super-duper ball.
Contrast the 2014 ball with those of the first World Cup final in 1930, the first half of that first final was played with an Argentinian ball, while in the second half they used a ball made in Uruguay - unbelievable!
This 1930 final was the original 'game of two halves'.
Half time: Uruguay 1 : 2 Argentina
Court Ruling from the UK
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Car insurance companies in the England will be pleased if England crash out of the 2014 World Cup in the early stages.
Based on information collated from the 2010 World Cup it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2010 crashes leapt by some 17% generally during the whole tournament. Back in 2006, accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 42%.
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.
he?' enquires Robbie.
So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more
Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'
Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.
Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'
The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'
World Cup Records That Are Unlikely to be Broken in Brazil 2014
In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team. Jean Paul Sartre
Everything I know about morality and the obligations of men, I owe it to football. Alfred Camus (Philosopher and goalkeeper)
Apparently, the England FA is under investigation by the HMRC for tax evasion. Word is Lancaster Gate have been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 48 years.
God's Football Team -v- Devil's Team
God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.
As God was leaving he said to the devil,
"Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!" See funny soccer referee jokes.
Note: Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. Erma Bombeck
What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
World Cup Referee
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the bouncer as he threw them out.
'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a visiting uncle to his eleven-year-old nephew Jimmy. 'What position do you play?'
'I'm not sure,' answered Jimmy, 'but I think I heard the teacher say that I was the team's main drawback.'
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