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Funny World Cup Jokes and Stories
Football 2010 South Africa

Football World Cup Jokes Tommy CapelloFunny World Cup Jokes and Stories
2010 South Africa

Will and Guy are collecting funny World Cup jokes suitable for telling during the 2010 Football World Cup in South Africa.

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England World Cup 2010 Jokes

  • David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup - his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.
  • The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jamal, aged six.
  • Osama Bin laden has just appeared in a new T.V. message proving he is still alive.  He said, 'The English football team were s*** again'.  British intelligence have dismissed it, saying it could have been recorded at any time in the last 44 years. Football World Cup Cross
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
    According to Fifa it didn't traverse the white line.
  • I can't believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian. 
  • I hear Oxo are making a new product.  The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the 'Laughing stock'.

Robert Green Jokes After England's First World Cup GameFootball World Cup 2010 Robert Green USA

  • In a previous life Robert Green was a bus driver.  However, Will and Guy heard that he was sacked because he didn't make any stops.
  • What does Robert Green do after winning the World Cup? Drops his PlayStation controller!
  • The England squad had a get-together after the USA game and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate.  He spilled it.
  •  At least that's one British spillage the Americans won't be moaning about...
  • John Terry said: "The whole defence is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.
  • My computer's been infected by the Robert Green virus.   Now I can't save anything.
  • Why is Robert Green like ITV High Definition?  They both switch off at the crucial moment.
  • These Rob Green jokes are getting out of hand...  In fact they're crossing the line.
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England Out of Africa

Football World Cup 2010 - Out of Africa

In Heaven With a Vuvuzela!

Vuvezela - Annoying since 1660

World Cup 2010 Song

Vuvezela - Annoying since 1660

Funny England Germany GoalThe Lion Sleeps Tonight is a song recorded by The Tokens and originally written as Mbube by Solomon Linda. The song is also recorded by many artists as Wimoweh.

The disappointed and dispirited England supporters sang the following lyrics to this famous tune as they left the match where England lost to Germany: Football World Cup Song 2010

In the jungle, South African jungle
Three lions sleep tonight
Then in the morning
The early morning
They have to catch a flight
A win - no way
A win - no way
A win - no way
A win - no way

Funny Names Following World Cup 2010

There is a Zulu tradition to name children after events that occur near their birth - fair enough.  However, Will and Guy pity these poor children who have been given these unfortunate names following the 2010 World Cup in South Africa:

 Coach Sibise, Stadium Gumbi, Tickets Ngubane and Park n Ride Khumalo.  We also wonder about the father of Offside Mchunu.  See more weird children's names.

Funny Football Snippets

  1. An edition of Observer Sport Monthly featured a small item about a Moroccan parachutist. The one who, at the opening ceremony for the 1988 African Nations Cup in Casablanca, watched by royalty and the most important men in world football, delayed kick-off by missing the pitch and getting tangled up in the floodlights, where he hung upside down for 45 minutes.Football World Cup Jokes 2010
  2. During the last Nations Cup in Mali two years ago, there was a full-scale punch-up on the pitch, involving a Cameroon coach and Malian soldiers. The coach, a former World Cup goalkeeper, had placed a charm in the Mali net. Witchcraft, juju, call it what you like.
  3. My favourite was the tale of the South African team which drove out of town, walked backwards and barefoot off the team bus into the the bush until they found a termite mound, urinated on it, then walked backwards to the bus again - and still didn't win the league.
  4. A Manchester cinema, for the World Cup Finals 2002, offered sushi-flavoured popcorn for England's matches.

We aim to equalise before the other team score.

God's Football Team -v- Devil's TeamDevil has the attorneys

God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space.  The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team.  Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!" See funny soccer referee jokes.

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Medical School

A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years.  Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?' 

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered,  'A World Cup football coach?'

Court Ruling from the UK World Cup 2010 Mascot

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

World Cup Football One-liner

What's blue and white, and goes beep, beep, beep?
The English football team's open-top bus reversing back into its garage.

Funny World Cup Stories

World Cup Thief's Own Goal Football World Cup Jokes 2010

A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband.

The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'

If we don't know what we're going to do, how can the other side?"

World Cup Football - Car InsuranceWorld Cup Football - Car Insurance

Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of the 2010 World Cup in the early stages.

Based on information collated from the 2006 World Cup it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2006 crashes leapt by some 15% generally during the whole tournament.  Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 42%.

The Laws of Football

At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ' Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.

'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.

'Good, 'said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'

World Cup 2010 Mascot

World Cup 2010 MascotThe World Cup 2010 Mascot "Zakumi" is a green haired leopard has been announced as the official mascot for the event.

The word "Zakumi" derives from "Za", which is South Africa's abbreviation and "Kumi", which is a representation of ten in a majority of the African languages, denoting 2010.

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Funny Scouser Soccer Story

Memory Man

Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.

'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'

So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.

Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'

Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'

Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'

Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.

Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'

The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'

Some Funny, Short Soccer JokesFootball World Cup referee

Scottish Referee

What do you call a Scottish player in the first round of the World Cup?
The Referee.

World Cup Referee

It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final.  The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'

'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the bouncer as he threw them out.

Tax Problem

Apparently, the England FA is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.  Word is they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 44 years.

Pompey

A bloke hands over a £20 note to the turnstile operator at Fratton Park, the home of beleaguered, and allegedly broke, Portsmouth FC.

'Two please.'
Turnstile Operator: 'Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?'

Talking of Trophies and of Pompey

Will: Did you know that Portsmouth held the F.A. cup longer than anyone else.

Guy: How long was that Will?
Will: Seven years.

Guy: That's impossible.
Will: No truly, you can check, Pompey won in 1939 and then kept the F.A. cup throughout the war until the competition was renewed in the 1945-6 season.

Jack's Position

'I understand you're a member of the school football team,' said a visiting uncle to seven-year-old Jack. 'What position do you play?'

'I'm not sure,' answered Jack, 'but I think I heard the teacher say that I was the team's main drawback.'

Emile Heskey

'Heskey,' said the coach angrily after a disastrous match, 'your playing was lousy. You're a disgrace to the team.'

'Don't pay any attention to him, Emile,' said a team-mate, trying to be encouraging.  'He doesn't know what he's talking about.  He only repeats what everybody else says.'

Football Pools Winner

Fred was being interviewed on television after winning £1,000,000 [$1,610,635.87 USD] on the football pools.

'What are you going to do with all that money asked the interviewer?'

'I'm going to spend the first £250,000 on wines, spirits and beer,' responded Fred cheerfully, 'and the second £250,000 on horses, dogs and cards.'

'I see,' said the interviewer, somewhat taken aback.

'And then,' continued Fred, 'I shall spend £250,000 on women and loose living generally.'

'Quite, quite,' the interviewer interrupted hurriedly. 'And what will you do with the remaining £250,000?'

'Oh, I'll probably just fritter that away,' Fred replied.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch.  However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there.  Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?' (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)

Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'Germany will win the 2010 World Cup'. ' Thank God!' said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!'

 

Footnote:
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