Funny Jokes About Football (Soccer)

Will and Guy's Funny Jokes About Football

They beat us five-nothing, and we were lucky to get nothing.Funny Euro Soccer Jokes

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Funny Jokes About Football

New Badges for Clubs

I was shocked to learn that the Cardiff Bluebirds are being rebranded as the Cardiff Dragons - Sponsors's money talks.

Now I hear that the Football Association are considering a scheme for simplifying club badges and emblems so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.

'Gentlemen,'he said, 'our request for new club badge designs has produced a very satisfactory response. Most of the suggestions are perfectly straightforward and logical - an ox for Oxford United, a sun for Sunderland, a heart for Heart of Midlothian, a windmill and a brick wall for Millwall.

However, I'm afraid we must definitely draw the line at the proposed design received from Arsenal.

If David Beckham were to become one of the Spice Girls,
which one would he turnout to be?   Waste of Spice.

Offside Rule De-mystifed

Offside Definition 1: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.

Offside Definition 2: The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket

Offside Definition 3:  A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.

A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.

All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision. Funny Euro Soccer Jokes


Three Old Football FansFunny Euro Soccer Jokes

Marcin, Oleg and Barry are in a church; these three old men are praying for their teams.

Marcin asks, 'Oh Lord, when will Poland next win the European Championship?'
God Replies, 'In the next five years.'
'But I'll be dead by then,' replies Marcin.

Oleg asks, 'Oh Lord, when will the Ukraine next win the European Championship?'
The Good Lord - answers, 'In the next ten years.'
'But I'll be dead by then,' says Oleg.

Barry asks, 'Oh Lord, when will England win the European Championship?'
God answers, 'I'll be dead by then.'

Question:  Why won't the Chelsea fans get a cup of tea during their home games?
Answer:  All the mugs are on the pitch.

Five Funny Quotes About Football

  1. Ronaldo is always very close to being either onside or offside.
  2. If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.
  3. I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.
  4. Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot.
  5. He [Wayne Rooney] wasn't just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well.

One for luck: If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent.


Good Football Manager?

Roy Hodgson was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.

He stopped and asked, 'Can you manage dear?' to which the old lady replied, 'no way; you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out.'

I can't play football
After a visit to the doctor, Andy Carroll, England striker dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. 'What's up mate?' asks his friend Jermain, 'you look worried.'

'Yes, I am,' Andy replies. 'I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football.'

'Oh, really?' says Jermain. 'He's seen you play too then, has he?'

New Football Line-up?
Where do football teams play a "rigid" 2-5-3 formation?

Answer: In table football.

Funny Football LimericksFunny Euro Soccer Jokes

There was a young player from Tottenham,
His manners he'd gone and forgotten 'em.
One day at the doc's
He took off his socks,
Because he complained he felt hot in 'em.

A football pitch groundsman from Leeds
Went and swallowed a packet of seeds.
In less than an hour
His head was in flower
And his feet were all covered in weeds.


Snow White arrived home one evening to find her home destroyed by fire. She was especially worried because she'd left all seven dwarves asleep inside. As she scrambled among the wreckage, frantically calling their names, suddenly she heard the cry, 'Portsmouth for the Cup.'

'Thank goodness,' sobbed Snow White. 'At least Dopey's still alive'

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