Will and Guy's collection of jokes, articles and amusing pictures of the sea.
Sea Tales and Adventures
One morning the shipwrecked mariner noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months ago. As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realised that hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked toward the sailor. She whispered into his ear, 'I have something you want!'
The mariner broke into a run towards to breaking waves yelling, 'Don't tell me you've got beer in that barrel.'
The #Old Salt's Story
# An "old salt" in the English speaking naval services is often a raconteur, or teller of sea stories. Much of the history and traditions of the naval services are passed from generation to generation of service members by these sea stories as told and retold by old salts. Sea stories may be truthful, half-truths, or falsehoods, however they always enhance the reputations of naval and marine units, or individuals.
1. The Tale of Two British Sailors
PJ and Ross, two British sailors, attended a church service in Cherbourg. Not speaking a word of French and not wishing to appear out of place they sat behind an important looking man and when he stood up or knelt down, they did the same.
At the end of the service, the priest made what was evidently an announcement, whereupon the man in front of PJ and Ross rose to his feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.
As the sailors left the church, the priest spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter.
'Oh,' he said smiling, 'I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a service of baptism and would the father of the child please stand up.'
2. Penguins Onboard Ship
Dave Foley, *MBE, is a friend of Guy and Will. He left the Royal Navy, after serving 33 years, some years ago as a Lieutenant. This is a sea story he told when he was a Petty Officer mechanic on HMS 'Pompey' [name made up to protect the guilty].
The ship was returning to Devonport from a tour of duty as a protection ship to the Antarctic research group. They were asked to transport some penguins back to the UK. The penguins were about a metre tall. [Height is important to the story].
As the ship arrived in the tropics and had begun to cross the equator it was realised that the penguins might not survive in such high temperatures. Quite sensibly the penguins were put in the showers used by the NCOs [non-commissioned officers]; this group included Dave.
The penguins were a lively and friendly bunch and readily made friends with the sailors, pecking and waddling around and enjoying the showers and running water, which was keeping them cool.
Problems arose when the sailors went for their shower; the penguin's beaks were at a dangerous level, which resulted in all NCOs having to shower in their swimming trunks.
*Member of the British Empire. This rewards an achievement or service in or to the community which is outstanding in its field and has delivered a sustained and real impact which stands out as an example to others.
3. USN [United States Navy] Chief
The power of the Chief Petty Officer in the USN is wonderfully shown here in this funny story.
As a crowded airliner is about to take-off, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
From the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a US Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. 'Excuse me Chief,' she asks quietly, 'could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?'
The Chief smiles confidently and gently confides, 'I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane.'
More Sea Stories
4. The Sea Captain
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain; we shall call him Captain Philip Anson. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships, from a world famous company, all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. Captain Anson was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
Sadly, one day Captain Anson died at sea as he would have wished. After laying the captain's body to rest, the First Officer led the entire crew into the captain's cabin. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it.
Lieutenant Commander Andrew Craig, the first officer and the ship's navigating officer, turned pale and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
5. The RN CPO [Royal Navy Chief Petty Officer]
The old and bold Chief Bosun noticed a new apprentice seaman one day and barked at him to come to attention.
'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the youngster.
The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my crewmen by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Thomas, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as "Sir." Do I make myself clear?'
'Yes, sir,' snapped the seaman.
'Good. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?'
Think of Trafalgar and you think of Admiral Nelson. One of the most famous association is the 'Blind Eye' incident.
It happened during the battle of Copenhagen in 1801. What happened was that the commander of the British fleet, Admiral Sir Hyde Parker II signalled to Nelson that he stop attacking and fall back. Nelson refused and later remarked, that he had a blind eye and sometimes had a right to use it.
Later Hyde Parker II admitted that had Nelson obeyed his order, then the fleet would have been at risk from a counter-attack.
The Royal Navy and Marines are issued with fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's '206s'....
Jackson saw an old seafaring friend walking along the sea front at Southsea. 'Hello Harry,' he said, 'How are you?' It was only then that Jackson realised that Harry only had one leg!
'What happened to you?' he inquired. 'My wife left me so I jumped in front of a train but it only took my leg off.'
Jackson then noticed that Harry only had one hand and in its place was a hook. 'What happened to your hand?' he asked.
Jackson, again noticed that Harry also had a glass eye. 'What's up with your eye?' he asked, this time with considerable trepidation.
'Well,' said the Harry, 'after two attempts to take my life I thought God doesn't want me to die, so I looked to the sky and said 'thank you, God', and a passing seagull made a deposit right in my eye ! ! !
'But you can't loose an eye through bird muck.' insisted Jackson.
Harry looked down at the floor and said, 'I'd only had the hook for three days!'
Sinking Feeling - Mayday, MayDay
One winter evening a coastguard radio operator receives a 'Mayday', 'Mayday' call. What could possibly go wrong?
Radio Operator Takes a Call
New British Navy Destroyer
Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights legislation. See picture right.
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. Unlike ships today, she carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers!) .
However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid upon the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.
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