Funny Phone Jokes
When your in the bath and the phone rings, it's invariably the wrong number.
Funny Phone Jokes on This Page
Collection of Funny Phone Calls on Other Pages
Shaky rushes in and announces loudly, 'I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a BMW doing at least 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her mascara.
I looked away for a couple seconds and then the next thing I knew was she was careering all over my lane.
It scared me so badly that I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my mobile 'phone.'
Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell-phone, was a frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge Café, in Brooklands Road, and was greatly inconvenienced when the 'phone broke down.
He made repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company only made promises.
After several days, Ian, decided to contact the phone company again and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He added that the 'phone was now working fine, concluding with 'except that all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.'
A repairman arrived within the hour.
The telephone rang in the stately home of Lord Armstrong in North Yorkshire, England and his butler answered the call.
'It's me. Please
go to my wife's bedroom and tell her that I'll be home late from the club.'
'Then wake her and tell her, while I hold the 'phone,' the caller
The butler returned and said, 'My Lord, her ladyship's door was locked, and when I knocked, a man's voice told me to go hell.'
The caller then ordered gruffly, 'Damn them! Get a rifle from my collection, break down the door, and shoot them both.'
'Yes, Sir,' the butler responded.
A few minutes later, the butler returned to the 'phone and reported, 'My Lord, I tried my best. I killed your wife, but as I was about to shoot the man, he jumped through the window and into the garden, and ran away.'
The confused caller then said, 'Eh, what garden? There's no garden next to my bedroom window.'
'In that case, Sir, I am afraid you dialled a wrong number. Good day.'
Martin and Mary phoned Tim, an acquaintance, to give their birthday greetings.
They dialled the number and then sang 'Happy Birthday' together to him. When they had completed their terribly off-key rendition, they discovered that they had 'phoned the wrong number.
'Don't let it bother you,' said a strange but very amused voice. 'You folks obviously need all the practice you can get.'
Woven in Scotland.
Cecily phoned directory enquiries and asked for the knitwear company in Woven.
The operator asked, 'Woven? Are you sure? There's no knitwear company that I can find.'
'Yes,' Cecily firmly responded, 'That's what it says on the label of my jersey - "Woven in Scotland".'
What did the big red phone box say to the little red phone box? 'You're too young to be engaged.'
Will and Guy know a lady who works in Directory Enquiries in England and these are a few of the calls she receives, sometimes more than once:
Very early one morning the 'phone rang at Barry's house, it was 3am. He picked up the phone and a woman bellowed into his ear, 'Is this 2983645?'
'No, I'm sorry, this is 2983642,' Barry answered, surprisingly calmly.
'Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you then,' the woman said.
'That's alright,' Barry murmured, 'I had to get up to answer the 'phone anyway.'
Not Getting a Call?
If the phone doesn't ring - It's Me.
Jerry was deeply in love with Myra, but couldn't pluck up enough courage to 'pop the question' face to face. So Jerry decided to ask her on the telephone.
'Darling,' he blurted out, 'will you marry me?'
'Of course, I will, you silly boy,' Myra replied, 'but first, who's calling please?'
Hilarious Telephone Story
Will found this tale on a website entitled Callcentrevoice, a site created by Brent Preece, and it is included here because it is so funny.
It is common practice in England for the telephone company to signal a telephone subscriber [ring the phone] by applying 90 volts between one side of the two wire circuit and ground (called "earth" in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, the phone switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. [This method has changed since this was written - Will and Guy]
This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets, called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first.
Torn between curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene.
Climbing a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:
a) Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
b) Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.
c) After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking.
d) Wet ground now conducted - and the phone rang.
Here are Snippets take from our other pages of funny phone jokes
True Phone Calls to the Emergency Services [911 in USA or 999 in UK]
Caller One - Wrong number?
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller Three - Wrong order?
Solar-powered payphone in Lake Victoria, Uganda
A man in Hamburg, Germany kept getting phoned, but when he picked up the receiver there was no-one on the other end of the phone. To begin with he paid the phone company to block the number. However, it was expensive just to stop one nuisance call, so he phoned the police.
The police soon tracked the calls to a barber's shop. What happened was that every time someone paid for the haircut by credit card, the credit card machine erroneously dialled the wrong number. What Will and Guy cannot understand is why nobody at the barber's or the credit card company noticed the problem. Fortunately, there was a happy outcome and the barber's credit card phone was re-programmed.
Having just moved into his new office in Whitehall, pompous, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Rodney Grant [Royal Navy] was sitting at his desk when Leading Seaman Jones knocked on his door. Particularly aware of his new position, the commander quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.'
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed young Jones man, he asked, 'What do you want?'
'Nothing important, sir,' Jones replied without batting an eyelid, 'I'm just here to connect up your new telephone.'
School Answering Machine - Joke or True?
This is the message that a School staff in the Worcester area voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
If you realize this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
Funny Phone Joke
Amusing Tech Support Phone Calls
1) Advisor: 'Press any key to continue.
2) Customer: 'My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!'
3) Advisor: You have Spyware on your machine which is causing the problem.
4) Tech Support: 'Have you made backups of
your software and data?'
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