Funny Words of Wisdom

Funny Words of Wisdom Funny Words of Wisdom

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.  Reba McEntire

Funny Wisdom: Topics on This Page

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms
Grouch Marx

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Wise Phrases and Sayings on Other Pages

Did You Know? - More Amusing Snippets

Will and Guy's Favourite, Best and Hilarious Funny Wisdom

  1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  3. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  4. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
  5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  6. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  7. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
  8. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  9. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  10. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
  11. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
  12. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  13. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
  14. If you dig a hole for someone else, you'll fall into it. - Hungarian proverb
  15. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  16. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Funny Wisdom
  17. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  19. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
  20. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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The Wisdom of An Angel Wisdom of an angel

An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of the others whispers, 'Say something.'

The leader sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'Story by a Wise Man

Get Rich Now

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Anon.

A Word to the Wise: Some of Will and Guy's Favourite Words of Wisdom

  • Patience is the companion of wisdom - Saint Augustine
  • Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow - Aristotle
  • To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it - Confucius
  • He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave - Andrew Carnegie
  • An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind - Shakyamuni Buddha
  • The only way to have a friend is to be one - Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist - Indira Gandhi
  • You must be the change you wish to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi
  • A bowl belongs to whoever needs it - A Native American saying
  • Without memory, there is no healing; without forgiveness, there is no future - Desmond Tutu
  • Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder - Anon
  • See more motivational thought of the day quotes.

The mediocre teacher tells.
The good teacher explains.
The superior teacher demonstrates.
The great teacher inspires - William A. Ward

Have Your Judicious Words Ready

...(videVfl2)

I doubt there's any marriage where the partners don't quarrel once in a while.

When Roger's daughter was a teenager, she greeted him one morning with, 'I understand you and Mum had some words last night.'

Roger replied, 'Well, I had some all ready, but never got a chance to use them.'

The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True

  1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian Pickrell
  2. Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown
  3. He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown
  4. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams Sometimes we have to let go
  5. The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare
  6. Silence and smile are two powerful words.  Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon
  7. Knowledge talks, wisdom listens
  8. There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger
  9. He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
  10. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow
  11. He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill
  12. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
  13. In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown
  14. To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire
  15. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon
  16. Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success
  17. A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15
  18. See more funny wise sayings and quotes

To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Voltaire
Do be do be do - Frank Sinatra

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A Story Written by a Wise ManWise Story

A story for people of all religions and, indeed, none. 

One night a man had a dream. He dreamt he was walking along the beach with the Lord.  Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints on the sand: one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.  When the last scene had flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints and he noticed only one set. 

He also noticed that this happened during the lowest and saddest times of his life. This bothered him and he questioned the Lord. 'Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk all the way with me, but I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you deserted me.'

The Lord replied, 'My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, those were the times when I carried you in my arms.'

Sticking Together: Another Story by an Astute Man

A flock of wild geese had settled to rest on a pond. One of the flock had been captured by a gardener, who had clipped its wings before releasing it. When the geese started to resume their flight, this one tried frantically, but vainly, to lift itself into the air. The others, observing his struggles, flew about in obvious efforts to encourage him; but it was no use.

Thereupon, the entire flock settled back on the pond and waited, even though the urge to go on was strong within them. For several days they waited until the damaged feathers had grown sufficiently to permit the goose to fly.

Meanwhile, the unethical gardener, having been converted by the ethical geese, gladly watched them as they finally rose together and all resumed their long flight.

Story by Albert Schweitzer

Amusing Childhood Perception

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from Wicor Nursery School complaining, 'Mummy, I've got a stomach ache.'

'That's because your stomach is empty,' Sarah, her mother replied kindly. 'You'll feel better when you have something in it.'

She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.

Later that afternoon Mia's class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia's mum, she mentioned she'd had a bad headache all day long.

Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, 'That's because it's empty. You'd feel better if you had something in it!' 

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Witticisms

  • Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  • Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  • When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. (Oscar Wilde)
  • I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold'em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal flush and five people died.
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • See more Witticisms

The Shrewd Farmer's DonkeyThe Wise Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out a way to get him out. Finally he decided it was probably impossible and the animal was old and the well was dry anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to try and retrieve the donkey.  So the farmer asked his neighbours to come over and help him cover up the well. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, when the donkey realized what was happening he cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down and let out some happy brays. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well to see what was happening and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was shaking it off and taking a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he continued to shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, to everyone's amazement, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

Will and Guy consider that the moral of this tale is: Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.  Through applying wisdom every adversity can be turned into a stepping stone.  The way to get out of the deepest well is by never giving up but by shaking yourself off and taking a step up.

What happens to you isn't nearly as important as how you react to it.

More Funny Words of Wisdom

  • The early worm gets eaten!
  • To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
  • There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.  Mary Wilson Little
  • Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
  • See more Words of Wise Wisdom
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Amusing Word Play

...(videoG2)
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  • 'Underground' is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters 'und.'
  • See more Funny Words

Thoughts to Ponder

Here are an international collection of laws which have never been repealed, and thus are probably still in force.   Our favourite is: 'Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London'.  Will has applied for the post of Constable of the Tower, just so that he can ensure this perk continues.

  • Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned in Britain.
  • In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
  • In Germany it is illegal to wear a mask.
  • In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
  • In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.  In Alaska it's illegal to get as drunk as a fish - you cannot win them all.
  • See more amusing thoughts to ponder

Funny Perks for the Over 60

  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, they called it golf.
  • The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.  Friedrich Nietzsche
  • See more amusing insights of the Over 60s

 

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