Funny Food Jokes
Will and Guy have a wide range of food jokes, funny pictures and amusing stories. Variety really is the spice of life.
Food Jokes on this Page
Whole Pages of Funny Food Items
Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!
The names of chocolate biscuit bars available in the United Kingdom, and perhaps, elsewhere.
Biscuit City View
Nigel retired before Sally, and as a result he would do more of the chores. For example on Friday he would dust and vacuum the house. On two other days he would prepare and cook the evening meal.
Now Nigel's forté was certainly not cooking. One recipe asked for 'seasoned flour' to be added. Nigel searched the kitchen cupboards and found the plain flour and the self-raising flour. In the end he had to ring Sally at her work to ask where she kept the 'seasoned flour'.
A Generous Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.
As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.
There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'.
Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.
'Waiter,' Kevin shouted, 'Didn't you hear me say "well done"?'
'Of course I did, sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,' replied the waiter. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'
Last week, Alex and Ann went to a restaurant for dinner in Albert Road, Southsea. They scanned the menu, then promptly ordered two steaks.
The waiter duly brought the steaks with fries and salad. Alex quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself
Ann was decidedly unhappy about that, 'When are you going to learn to be polite, Alex?' she complained.
Alex responded by asking, 'If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?'
'The smaller piece, of course,' replied Ann.
'Then what are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?' Alex concluded.
So Hungry I could Eat the Plate
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor living in Taipei, Taiwan has perfected an edible plate. It is made from wheat grain, and he plans to mass-produce it with other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Will and Guy are aware that he argues that hungry diners, tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal, can now go a step further and demolish the whole lot. Sadly, we have learned, the plates have the taste of unsalted popcorn - not exactly an exciting culinary delight.
In his favour Chen says the crockery can be boiled and will provide a nutritious meal for your pet. Lovely.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping ..... snacks and dessert.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: if you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies..........
A women's group was discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied, 'Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping.'
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions. See our fitness workout.
Half A Diet is Better than No Diet at All
Genevieve belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She told us that she had made her family's favourite and luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they'd eaten half of it at dinner that evening.
The next day, Genevieve continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake had vanished.
She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
Genevieve smiled broadly and quipped, 'He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of that too.'
My friend Ben is well known for his rather 'in-your-face' eco-friendly and green credentials.
We were eating at a Chinese restaurant in the High Street when an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places. Ben made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair with a flourish.
'As a keen environmentalist*,' Ben declared loudly to no-one in particular, 'I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils.'
The waiter inspected his chopsticks. 'Ah lovely, very beautiful,' he said politely. 'Ivory.'
*Fact: China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. 25 million trees are chopped down to make them!
Will and Guy have to be honest and tell you that laughter will not enable you to lose weight. However, if you feel fed-up with all the pressures of dieting perhaps you can laugh, or at least smile at some of our random Food and Diet Trivia
There were 2 eggs boiling in a pan.
One egg says to the other, 'My, it's hot in here.'
It's more fun to talk to someone who doesn't use long difficult words but rather short, easy words like 'What about lunch?' from Winnie the Pooh by AA Milne.
The following are items found overseas in which people have made unusual and funny use of English words for various products, and bizarre and amusing menu items in restaurants:
Laugh with us as you read these hilarious examples
Pigeon's milk is one of the desserts on offer at a Latvian restaurant. Also on the menu is a main course of 'grilled surgeon'. Here are more funny food examples:
Real Life at Drive-thru Burger Bars
Six one and half a dozen of the other.
Yvonne arrived at the whopper burger bar and read on the menu that she could order 6, 9 or 12 chicken nuggets. She promptly and politely requested half a dozen nuggets.
'We don't do half a dozen nuggets,' responded the teenager at the counter
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' came the reply from the youngster.
'Right,' said Yvonne with a broad smile, 'Let me get this straight. I can't order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'Correct,' was the bland reply.
Yvonne shook her head rather sadly and ordered six nuggets.
Will and Guy's Philosophy
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