The Secret of a Happy Marriage

The Secret of a Happy Marriage

Bad husbands are like bad coals - they smoke, they go out, and they don't keep the pot boiling.

• Marriage article by R. Hynes of Mornington
• The Secret of Marriage - Understanding men
• Ogden Nash's Secret of Marriage
• More Secrets of a Happy Marriage: from the postbag

The Secret of a Happy Marriage
From R.Hynes of Mornington

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage last...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, 'Somewhere I haven't been for a long time' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets but nowhere to sit down. I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS.

I haven't spoken to her in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked 'What is on the TV?'  I said 'It looks like Dust'.

In the beginning; God created the earth and rested. Then God, created the man and rested. Then God created woman.  And since then neither God nor man has rested.

Original article - The Secret of a Happy Marriage by R.Hynes of Mornington.

The Secret of Marriage - Understanding men

• Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
• Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
• Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
• Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
• Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
• Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
• Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
• Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
• Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a tongue in cheek public service message from Will and Guy to help women to better understand men.

Ogden Nash's Secret of Marriage

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Ogden Nash [1902-1971]

Secret of Marriage - Comic Poem

As an example of how some people viewed marriage in the 1850s, here is a comic poem:
You know I'm very fond of the ladies,
I say bless those wives that fill our lives
With little bees and honey,
They ease life's shocks, they mend our socks –
But can't they spend the money?

Anon

More Secrets of a Happy Marriage: from the postbag:

Wife [whingeing]: You never speak to me anymore.

Husband: What? Only five minutes ago I told you to shut up.

Ten rules for a happy marriage:

1. The woman always makes the rules
2. These rules are subject to change without notice
3. No man can possibly know all the rules
4. The woman is never wrong
5. If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
6. The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
7. The woman can change her mind at any time
8. The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
9. The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
10. At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

Marriage over the years

Will and Guy find that some people have strange views on the subject of marriage

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. 

Footnote:
Please send us your secret of a happy marriage

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