How To Speak Chinese Funny

How To Speak Chinese Funny  How to speak chinese funny

Here is Will and Guy's collection of funny Chinese phrases and words

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Funny Chinese Words: Hu Yu Hai Ding? (Who are you hiding)

It helps if you say each one out loud.
(I had to read some of them twice.)

  • That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong
  • Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
  • See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao
  • Stupid man........................................Dum Gai
  • Small horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni
  • It's very dark in here...........................Wai So Dim?
  • I thought you were on a diet................Wai Yu Mun Ching?
  • This is a tow-away zone......................No Pah King
  • Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao?
  • Staying out of sight............................Lei Ying Lo

How To Speak Chinese - Advanced Funny Chinese phrases

  • He's cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
  • Your body odour is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu
  • Did you go to the beach?.....................Wai Yu So Tan?
  • I bumped into a coffee table.................Ai Bang Mai Ni
  • I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat

Incidentally, 2014 is the Chinese Year of the horse.

Calling Chris Pett - The Master of Speaking Chinese funnyHow to speak Chinese - Will and Guy's Humour

I have an old friend called Chris Pett.  We have lost touch, I suspect that he has done a Lord Lucan and gone into hiding.  Just in case there is another Chris Pett, my friend answers to Eri Stalis.  Before he disappeared from my radar, Chris used to be a frequent flier.

I heard from an airport insider in Jersey that Chris single-handedly caused the airport authorities to change their policy for passenger announcements.  The reason was that Chris was for ever going to the information desk and asking them to tannoy messages for people with the names like this: Lei Ying Lo (Lying Low).  Then one day the penny dropped, the messages, like the people, were pure fiction.


How to speak Chinese - Will and Guy's HumourHow to Speak Chinese Joke - Max Planck Institute

Chris Pett has a scientific background, I wonder if he is now working at the Max Planck Institute?   The reason that I am suspicious is that the cover of the January 2009 edition has a Chinese script on its front cover.  Unfortunately, the script does not say what was intended by the Max Planck Institute, instead the Chinese characters convey an advert for a brothel in Macau!

The Max Planck Institute published a grovelling apology.  'By publishing this text we did in no way intend to cause any offence or embarrassment to our Chinese readers.'  Interestingly, it also said: 'It has now emerged that the text contains deeper levels of meaning, which are not immediately accessible to a non-native speaker.'  Further research indicates a Hong Kong dialect.

There have been reports of a mixed reception to the script within China.  Some of the establishment figures regarded the cover as a calculated insult to the Chinese people.  While a student friend of Will and Guy's thought it was highly amusing and wished that there were more such faux-pas to spice up the academic press. 

How to Tell if You're Chinese

Top Twenty Tips To Look For

  1. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
  2. You ask your parents for help on one maths problem and 2 hours later, they're still lecturing.
  3. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
  4. Everybody thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors are/were from.
  5. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
  6. At least once, you've started a joke with the phrase: "Confucius said...."
  7. You know what bok choy is.
  8. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Chinese, like the ever so popular: ching cha wa woo bok chi ping ....
  9. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
  10. At least one member in your family wears black wire/plastic framed glasses.
  11. Your parents say, "Calculus?!! I took calculus in the 8th grade!!!"
  12. Everybody thinks you know karate/tae kwon do.
  13. Your parents' vocabulary is filled w/ "Ai-yah" and "Wah's".
  14. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation Chinese food.
  15. You learned the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.
  16. People see a bunch of scribbles on a pair of chopsticks and they ask you to translate the funny Chinese words.
  17. You will most likely be taller than your parents.
  18. Your parents made you play the piano, the violin, or both.
  19. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
  20. You have sticks, leaves, dried skin and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.

Tips Kindly sent in by Karl Young

Engrish / Chinese Humour

Will and Guy have been researching how China prepared for the Olympic Games in Beijing and have come across these photographs of funny Chinese phrases, which we hope will amuse you.

Poor English - Where Do They Get Their Food?


Poor English? But great oriental food

Very Suspicious Supermarket

Very Suspicious Supermarket

You were warned! - Lettuce in Pain

Lettuce in Pain

See more funny Chinese signs.


Carefully fall into the river?  Where they washed the lettuce?

Carefully Fall River

Footnote :
Please send us your funny Chinese phrases, words and pictures.

Confucius - Funny Chinese PhrasesConfucius Jokes

Confucius (551-479 BC) was a famous Chinese philosopher from the Zhou Dynasty.  He is the source of many aspects of Chinese culture and beliefs.  His style was to teach humanity through stories with moral or philosophical point, his subject matter encompassed ethics, people's relationships, politics, justice, and sincerity. 

Two examples of true Confucius philosophy are:
I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. 

What has happened in the last 75 years or so is that Confucius's philosophy and style have been hi-jacked for a western interpretation of Chinese jokes.  Mao banned Confucianism which probably increased its popularity, particularly in the West.

Will and Guy Ten Favourite Clean Confucius Jokes

  1. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  2. He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose.
  3. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like bananas.
  4. A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
  5. War doesn't determine who's right. 
    War determines who's left.
  6. Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
  7. Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress. 
  8. Man who dream of eating giant mushroom - wake up with no pillow.
  9. Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
  10. When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

Please send us your funny Chinese words and phrases.

Speak Essex - or Essex SpeakEssex Speak - Funny English Jokes

Will and Guy have created this guide for those of you who will venture into the English county known as Essex, where they have a language all of their own.  This Essex is in the UK, not far from London, and the accent is not unlike cockney, but without the rhyming slang.

We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the translation which we have supplied:

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item: how much is it?

amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend'): amount

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness or disability: housebound

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day'): horse

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, 'ave you been on sunbed?'): browner

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger: quarter pounder

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff'): down in the mouth

eye-eels - Women's shoes: heels

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre: Thurrock

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper'): garage

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik'): lethargic

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig'): rebound

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday: Southend

tan - The city of London, the big smoke: town

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour'): whereabouts

wonnid - Desired, needed or Wanted by the police: wanted

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already'): exaggerate


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See examples of international jokes, humour and funny pictures ....

An Englishman, Irishman   • English jokes   • Short English jokes   • Engrish   • Franglais examples

Scottish jokes   • Welsh tales   • Irish tall stories   • Jewish jokes   • Sardarji jokes   • Polish jokes

Speak Chinese   • Funny Chinese jokes   • Ingrish Jokes   • Funny Engrish signs   • French jokes