Marriage and Relationship Jokes

Will and Guy's Marriage and Relationship Jokes

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire

• Actual advertisement in The New York Post:
• Why we split up
• Good women are hard to find 
• Happy Anniversary
• Good basis for marriage?
• Did You Know?
• How do you decide who to marry?
• Good Policy?
• The natural look
• Why men have two dogs and not two wives
• Friends and Neighbours

Actual advertisement in The New York Post:

For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.  Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.

No longer needed.  Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

Why we split up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

Good women are hard to find

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year. Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months.'

Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, 'Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.'

Happy Anniversary:

'You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when we were married.'

'Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot putt.'

Good basis for marriage?

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

'Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, 'the wife explained.' He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.'

Did You Know?

(1) In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.

80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.

Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!

(2) Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.

(3) ' When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.' - Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

How do you decide who to marry?

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Nathan, age 10.

Good Policy?

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer's haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000 USD] the amount of insurance on the barn. 

'We don't give you the money,' a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.' 

'In that case,' replied the wife, 'cancel the policy I have on my husband.'

The natural look

The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and enquired, 'Does this look natural?'

Another Tranche of Marriage and Relationship Jokes

Why men have two dogs and not two wives

• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
• A dog's parents never visit you
• Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than inside your wallet or desk.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
• If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away
• If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing
• Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

• If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

Friends and Neighbours

Emma and Bryan were staying at 'The Red Lion' pub near Castleton in the Derbyshire Peak District for a few nights. In the bar, during the evening, they became friendly with the hotel's odd job man, Ian, and told him how much they had grown to love the area.

After several pints of beer and a couple of games of darts Ian turned to the couple and said, 'My neighbour has a nice little cottage for sale, on the edge of the village, in case you're interested.'

Emma and Bryan were excited and visited the cottage the next day and despite of its run-down appearance, they were smitten with the place and bought it straightaway, "as seen."

Two weeks later they moved in and naturally Ian came to see how they were settling in.

'You got a good buy,' Ian told them, 'but the cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the whole place needs rewiring.'

Rather taken aback, Bryan scowled angrily and asked, 'Why didn't you tell us that before we bought the flippin' place?'

'We weren't neighbours then,' Ian smartly retorted.

Marriage and Children: a funny story

Lorna Irwin was striding down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Mara.

'Hello,' uttered the Father, 'and how is Mrs Irwin this fine day? Didn't I marry you two years ago?'
Lorna replied, 'That you did Father.'

The priest inquired, 'And are there any little ones yet?'
'No, not yet Father,' murmured Lorna Irwin.

'Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.'
'Thank you, Father.'

A few years later they met again.
'Well, now, Mrs Irwin," said Father O'Mara, 'and how are you?'
'Oh, very well,' responded Lorna.

'And tell me,' said the Reverend Father, 'have you any little ones yet?'
'Oh yes, Father O'Mara,' answered Lorna Irwin, 'I've had three sets of twins, and four singles: ten in all.'

'Now isn't that wonderful,' rejoined Father O'Mara, 'And how is your lovely husband?'
'Oh, Basil,' she replied, 'now he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!'

Footnote:
Please send us your marriage and relationship jokes.

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. Terry Pratchett

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