Qantas Pilot Jokes and Funny Engineer Reports
Qantas Joke sent in by Nigel Morris
Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Suspected crack in windshield.
Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Mouse in cockpit.
And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...
Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
The following letter was written by a retired Qantas pilot to his former colleagues:
Please find enclosed a home study simulator course [HSSC] for those of you who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline travel.
If you follow all the steps in this HSSC you will experience that 'Romance and Adventure.'
1] Do not go to bed
2] Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, preferably in a cupboard, for 9 or 10 hours facing a 4 foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck
3] Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist
4] Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying eastbound into the sunrise
5] Have bland overcooked food served on a tray halfway through the night
6] Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time, and ask your spouse to slam the door frequently
7] At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, teasing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.
8] Leave the cupboard after the prescribed nine or ten hours and turn on your sprinklers in the garden and stand out in the cold and "rain", for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car
9] Head for your bedroom, wet through and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room
10] When your spouse inquires, 'Just what in the hell have you been doing?' just say, 'Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.' as you collapse into bed
11] If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, so do this two nights in a row. Above all 'Enjoy Yourselves.'
For years Will and Guy have perpetuated the urban myth that Qantas are the only major airline that have never had a serious accident. Then Ken Sanford kindly wrote in putting the record straight. Given the number of accidents the myth would seem to be a master stroke by the Qantas publicity department.
I don't know where it came from that 'Qantas has never had a fatal accident', but it is not true--it is an urban legend. Qantas has had a number of crashes in its history, some of which resulted in fatalities. The following is a list of Qantas accidents:
25 Feb 1923 - Jericho, Australia - Armstrong W.FK8 - G-AUCF - no
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