Jobsworths - Will and Guy's jobsworth tales and funny stories

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August is often referred to as the 'Silly Season' - a time when Jobsworths are out in force.

Ten Jobsworth Tales and Funny Stories

The term 'Jobsworth' is most often applied to public service low-level officials who have little authority, and so the 'Jobsworth' response gives them the only power they are likely to get. The true 'Jobsworth' is one who knows the rules backwards, knows that there is flexibility and chooses not to use it. It's important to distinguish them from someone who really has no flexibility and really would lose their job.

Guy and Will have researched the following examples which we hope will amuse you:

Jobsworth on the Road

Jobsworth in the Parking Lot

Traffic Warden Jobsworths

Traffic Wardens are prime culprits of 'Jobsworth' as can be seen from these examples:

As a variation from traffic wardens, wheel clampers have to be somewhere near the top of the list of jobsworth occupations. One company even demanded a woman motorist's gold tooth as payment because she wasn't able to pay the release fee immediately.

Jobsworth - Painting Yellow Line

The 18-inch single yellow line in Highbury Crescent in Highbury, London is just long enough to fit one wheel, reports the BBC.

Islington Council said no ticket has ever been issued on the line, which was put there 'to help drivers'.

Councillor Lucy Watt, of Islington Council, said the stretch of kerb was shared by residents' bays and pay and display bays. She added, 'In Islington we take a common sense approach to parking enforcement. This means making sure signs and lines clearly identify the different parking bays we provide for residents and visitors.'

Will and Guy say: In the old days, a 'common sense approach' would have meant extending the adjacent parking bays by 9 inches each.

Another Candidate for the World's Silliest Double Yellow Lines

As if the yellow lines in Highbury Crescent, London were not stupid enough, we have found another example of money wastage by a local council because of a 'jobsworth' attitude.

This time the lines are in Islington, London, where a road, which is just over a metre wide, has been painted on both sides of the street to emphasise that parking there is prohibited.

Will has been doing more Jobsworth research - his findings are hard to believe:

Here is a sign on the wall at Douglas, Isle of Man. The wall separates the promenade from the sunken gardens, and it's only about 3 feet high.

There is a tale, reported on the BBC, about a woman who was caught out by 'fishing inspectors' because she was holding her husband's fishing rod while he was putting a maggot on the hook. She was holding the rod, but it was her husband who held the licence to fish, and inspectors caught her. [Will thinks that since she was not fishing she had done nothing wrong]

Another story, also heard on the BBC, tells of American officials who suspended a pub's licence for three days, because they said topless male dancers broke a law against the showing of bare breasts.

Media Jobsworths

The BBC was once famous for a particular breed of Jobsworth. One of these is supposed to have been on duty at Broadcasting House when King Haakon of Norway appeared at the security desk, gave the Jobsworth his name and told him that he was due to participate in a programme in studio 6. The Jobsworth went to ring the studio. A moment later he put his hand over the phone and called out, 'Excuse me, Sir, where was it you said you was King of?'

Another Jobsworth story tells how Agatha Christie was the guest of honour at a Foyle's literary luncheon. The doorman asked her for her invitation and refused to admit her when she couldn't produce it. She didn't make any fuss but just went home. I would have loved to have seen the resulting panic as the literati looked for their guest of honour and realised the important role played by the doorman.

Jobsworth - Can You Believe It?

A woman has been accused of littering, after sweeping leaves into a pile. Street sweepers refused to remove the leaves at the end of Sandra Pote's drive because some were in her garden. Sandra, 61, thought she was doing the cleaning truck crew a favour as they drove down the road in Torquay, Devon, but she was accused of fly-tipping by the council, reports BBC news.

Torbay council insisted the couple should have taken the leaves to a tip. A spokesman said, 'Householders have a responsibility to deal with leaves on their property'.

You will rarely hear anything quite so stupid: [except on our 'jobsworth' pages].

A Lincolnshire pensioner was fined £75 [$150.50 USD] for putting a bag of rubbish [wait for it] in a bin. John Richards, 84, a retired journalist, left a neatly parcelled carrier bag in a lamp-post bin rather than wait ten days for his fortnightly waste collection. Council officials tracked him down and accused him of fly-tipping.

They said he faced a fine of up to £2,500 if he went to court so Mr Richards, of Boston, handed over nearly three-quarters of his weekly pension to pay the £75 penalty. He remarked, 'It's just ludicrous. I've never thrown litter in my life. It's only a small house and it would be intolerable to keep rotting food waste indoors until the next collection.'

A council jobsworth opined, 'Public bins are there for everyone to use. If one is repeatedly filled by an individual it creates a problem.'

Jobsworth at the Supermarket - Can You Believe It!

Morrisons supermarket in Acomb, Yorkshire, England, took its rules about selling alcohol rather too seriously when they asked Jack Archer, aged 87, to prove that he was over 21.

When he attempted to buy a bottle of sherry reports BBC news. Former Lord Mayor of York, Mr Archer, said that he was shocked but flattered to be asked. He stated, 'I don't look my age but I certainly don't look young enough to be in trouble for underage drinking.'

Mr Archer said he often had a small glass of sherry at bedtime to help him sleep. He said: 'I was taken aback really. Afterwards I thought I should have showed them my bus pass and that would have proved how old I was.

Jobsworth fines dead woman for late library book

Elizabeth Schaper was stunned by the librarian's 50-cent demand when she returned her late mother's book to a library in Westchester County, New York, USA. 'I told him that maybe he didn't hear me right, that my mother had just died, otherwise I'm sure that she would have returned it on time,' she said. 'His only reply was: 'That will be 50 cents.'' reports the Metro newspaper.

She had only found the book, 'The Price of Silence by Camilla Trinchieri', a few days after her mother's death. 'My mother was an avid reader — she read an average of two books a week,' Ms Schaper added. 'She was a frequent patron of the library.'

Connie Perrotta, a secretary for the director of the Harrison Public Library, confirmed the incident occurred but said the library would have no comment.

It gets worse..... Here follows an account of another jobsworth, this time in bank.

Cancel your credit cards before you die

An elderly lady died in January 2007 and a world renowned bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, and it became somewhere around $60.00USD [£30 sterling].

A family member telephoned Citibank [the Jobsworth in the tale] and here is the supposed verbatim transcript of the conversation. It may make you smile at the inefficiency and intransigence of the employees at the bank or on the other hand it will probably make you cringe. Cancel your credit cards before you die

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.' Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: 'So what will they do when they find out she is dead?' Bank: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?' Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' Bank: 'Are you her lawyer?'

Bank: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?' Family Member: 'Sure.' (fax number is given)

Bank: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Bank: 'That might help.' Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Bank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Garden birds too loud says council Jobsworth Jobsworth - Birds Singing

A great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise from birdsong in her garden. The official note from environmental health warned of 'a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing.'

Dorothy Berry, 65, of Fulham, West London, said, 'When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about. I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house. But I really don't see what we can do about that.'

The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong 'arising from your premises during the early hours'. It continued, 'In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence.'

Dorothy has not kept birds inside her home since her beloved pet cockatiel died last year.

A spokesman (Jobsworth) for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said, 'We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers, but we must investigate all complaints from residents however bizarre they may appear.'

Jobsworth Targets Wrong Person Wheelie Bin Fine

Will and Guy have discovered that a single mother of two, Zoe Watmough from Horwich, Lancashire, England, has been fined £265 [$530 USD] for putting her rubbish bins out a few hours early. She was initially fined £75 [$150 USD] when her bin was spotted by council workers, however she refused to pay the fine and was taken to court, reports The Bolton Evening News.

Zoe was told she was fined because the council's rules state that bins should not be out before 7.30am on the day of collection in case they are set on fire by yobs. Zoe was fined as she put two bins [one grey and one green recycling bin] in the alley behind her home the day before collection day.

The 22-year-old said, 'I'm flabbergasted. Surely they should be targeting the vandals. All I did was put my rubbish out the night before it was due to be collected. Surely households up and down the country do that every week?'

Will and Guy can confirm that putting your wheelie bin out in the street the night before collection is common practice throughout the UK.

OAP fined for being too slow (Police Jobsworth)

A pensioner using a walking stick has been fined for crossing the road too slowly reports The Scotsman.

Mayvis Coyle, 82, said she began shuffling across a busy five-lane street in San Fernando Valley, California, when the pedestrian light was green, but she was stopped by a policeman when she failed to reach the other side before the light turned red.

He issued the pensioner a $115USD [£65] ticket and said she was obstructing traffic. Mrs Coyle, who is contesting the ticket, said, 'I think it is completely outrageous. He treated me like a six-year-old.'

Police said they were cracking down on people who disobeyed traffic signals because of the high number of pedestrian accidents. Around a third of pedestrians killed in the San Fernando Valley between 2003 and 2005 were elderly. The Los Angeles Police Department allows pedestrians one second to cover four feet.

Jobsworth!