A New Element - Governmentium
Governmentium Political Humour
The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says, 'when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount'.
However, in business and government more advanced strategies are always employed, such as:
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named 'Governmentium.' Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years in America*; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
* In other countries the half-life can be different, for example in the UK it can be up to 5 years.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Jackson, a friend of ours, applied to have his boat registered with the Queen's Harbourmaster in Portsmouth.
After getting no response for some time, he telephoned the government office in question. The young woman he spoke to was helpful and polite. 'Just a minute,' she replied happily, 'and I'll check.' She came back on the line seconds later, having found his application. She told him it had been acted on and was ready to be returned to him. She apologised for any delay.
Overwhelmed at this display of competence and good manners, Jackson thanked her, adding, 'This is the first time I have ever received such efficient and courteous treatment at the hands of a government agency.'
'Oh, thank you,' she replied, 'I guess it's just that I started here today.' See more of Jackson's dealings
I have some practical research results to add to governmentium. At least a behavior pattern in American governmentium.
There is a cyclical event, elections, which occurs at different times in the pots of Congressium, Senatium and Presidentorium. When this happens the elements become, in order of above, con-oriums, senileiums and a singlewannabepresidentagainium, which becomes opposed to a single isomorphic wannabenewpresidentium.
During the process of election all three become highly irritative and antagonistic toward each other. As pseudo-unified groups they attack each other while accomplishing nothing and showing no positive movement of their own. When the election process is over the elements again become seated: at which point they then turn on the populations outside of their respective houses. Althouth there may be new con-oriums and senileiums, and every four years perhaps a new presidentium, the weight and motionless nature of governmentium binds the elements again, and nothing changes.
[Kindly sent in by Carl Byron]
One day a civil servant in Whitehall, London, UK, was clearing out his office drawers when he found a magic lamp. Since he'd heard many jokes before to do with lamps, he knew that he had to rub it and make the genie appear. This he did and out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies do, 'What is your first wish, oh master?'
The civil servant thought about it for a second, then replied, 'I would like to be extremely rich.' So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivalling the amounts of even Bill Gates and Roman Abramovich.
Since the government employee knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, 'My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command.' And poof, he was there.
Then the executive decided on his third wish, 'I don't want to do any work ever again in my life.' And poof he was back in his office.
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