Farming Jokes and Funny Farming Stories
Here is our collection of one-liners and amusing yarns featuring ranchers, small-holders and farmers. On the animal side we feature, cows, sheep, pigs and chickens.
The Jogger and the Farmer
John, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a horse yells at him, 'Hey-come over here buddy.'
John is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, 'Were you talking to me?'
The horse replies, 'Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plough and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $10,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money because I can still run.'
John thought to himself, 'Wow, a talking horse.' Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting on the porch.
John tells the farmer, 'Hey man I'll give you $10,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field.'
The farmer replies, 'Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky.'
On a drive in the country, Roger, a city gent noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
'Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about,' said Roger, the city gent, 'but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?'
'Ooh ar, time?' answered the farmer. 'What does time matter to a pig?'
Dairy farmer John Duffield was milking his cow in Shepperton, Surrey. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. Farmer Duffield didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
"It went in one ear and out the udder."
A Double Lesson
A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer's land.
The old farmer said, 'Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favour? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?'
Brannagh replied, 'Of course I will,' and strolled back to the car.
While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, 'No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won't forget.'
With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, 'To be sure, that will teach him,' a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, 'And me, begorrah, I got the cow.'
Farmer's Dog Goes Missing
Philomena, his wife says, 'Patrick, why don't you put an advert in the paper?'
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
'What did you put in the paper?' Philomena asks.
'Here boy.' Patrick replies.
Another Classic Farming Joke
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.
Short Farming Jokes
More Farming Jokes and Amusing Stories
Hilarious and Best, Funny Country Story
Farmer Dan got into his Toyota 4-by-4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Eddie, aged about 10, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' Dan demanded.
'Well, then,' inquired Dan, 'is yer Mom here?'
'How about your brother? Is he here?'
Farmer Dan stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Eddie asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well, it's difficult,' answered Dan uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'
Eddie considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Amusing Dairy Farmers' Joke
First Dairy Farmer:
Second Dairy Farmer:
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
A Funny Farming Story
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'
Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'
Thomas was a chicken farmer; his farm was dedicated to the fertilized egg business. In his farmyard, Thomas had 450 young hens to lay the eggs. Incidentally, at this stage the female hens are called 'pullets'. Now to fertilise the eggs, which the pullets laid, Thomas had 12 male birds called roosters.
The farmer kept careful records, and any rooster that didn't perform went straight into the cooking pot and a replacement introduced. Thomas found this task time consuming, so he bought a dozen tiny bells and attached one to each of his roosters. Cunningly, each bell had a different ring tone so Thomas could tell from from the comfort of his porch, which rooster was performing.
So now Thomas could sit on his rocking chair and tick the boxes on his efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was Old Podgy, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Thomas noticed Old Podgy's bell hadn't rung at all! Thomas went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer Thomas's amazement, Old Podgy had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Thomas was so proud of Old Podgy, he entered him in the Worcester County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not only awarded Old Podgy the No Bell Piece Prize, but also they awarded him the Pulletsurprise!
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