Dead Duck Joke
Duck Joke and Story that Made Will and Guy Laugh
Customer: How much is that duck?
Customer: Okay, could you please send me the bill?
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.'
The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead', he replied.
'How can you be so sure?' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something.'
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
'£150!' she cried, '£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!'
The vet shrugged.' I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.'
There is no doubt, you have to feel sorry for the chick. However, what's the story here? Is the larger duck the grieving mother? The murderer? Or just an innocent bystander.
Ann Martin, 63, of Portesham, Dorset taught ducks to follow her from a nearby pond, and then to cross the road. Ann's idea is to slow speeding drivers, especially during the rush hour. Ann Martin, who is a local postmistress, said that drivers heading into Weymouth 'use the village as a rat-run'.
Alan is driving a pick-up truck along the road with a flock of ducks in the back. He is stopped by a zealous police officer who informs Alan that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all the ducks. Alan replies that he is not sure what to do with them. The policeman tells him helpfully, 'Look, Marwell Zoo is not far from here and that's a good place as any to take them.' Alan thanks the police officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck hurtling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls Alan over again and growls, 'I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo.'
'I did,' responded Alan happily, 'but now they want to go to Southsea beach.'
The man who is the world's leading expert on wasps is walking through Droitwich one day when he passes an old vinyl record shop.
Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: 'The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World' . He enters the store and asks the salesgirl if he can listen to the album.
'Sure...just go into the booth and put on the headphones, 'replies the shop assistant.
He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more.....he leaves the booth and says to the salesgirl, 'I'm an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn't recognise any of those noises' .
'Oh, I'm so sorry, 'answers the assistant, 'I was playing you the B side.'
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