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A Beer Drinker's Guide to Fault Finding

Funny Beer Drinker's Guides

'Giving up drinking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.' Mark Twain

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CAMRA (Campaign for real ale) Drinker's Guide

Symptom

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirtfront wet.

FaultA Beer Drinker's Guide to Fault Finding

Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Action to be taken

Buy another pint and practise in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Glass empty.

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Feet cold and wet.

Beer Drinker's GuideGlass being held at incorrect angle.

Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.

Bar blurred.

You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Feet warm and wet.

Loss of self control.

Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint as compensation.

Bar swaying.

Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Insert a broom handle down the back of your jacket.

Bar moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluorescent light strip across it.

You have fallen over backwards.

If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash you to the bar.

Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth.

You have fallen over forwards.

As for falling over backwards.

You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

You have spent the night in the gutter.

Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not have a lie-in.

Everything has gone dark.

The pub is closing.

Panic.

Originally this beer drinker's guide to fault finding was put out by the Campaign for Real Ale [CAMRA]in the UK.

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Beer TestingBeer Testing

George and Harold, two elderly gentlemen well into their 80's, often would sit on a bench in front of 'Dermot's Hair Cuts' discussing current affairs, debating political issues and chatting about life in general. Among their favourite concerns was which of the local brands of beer was the best. George has his favourite, while Harold had a preference for a different brand.

After several years of listening to this argument, Dermot, the barber, in front of whose shop the men sat suggests, 'There is a way you can resolve this dispute once and for all. Why don't you send samples of each brand of beer off to one of those new-fangled laboratories where they can test them and determine which is actually the better quality of the two.'

George and Harold decide this suggestion is appealing, and so they walk across the street to the Last Chance saloon and ask the bartender to find two jars, fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them up for delivery to the laboratory.

After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager to read the test results, George and Harold hurry over to their favourite bench in front of the barber shop and open the envelope. Inside is a letter which reads, 'Gentlemen: Thank you for submitting the two specimens. We are happy to report that both performed very well under testing. In fact, it is our conclusion that both horses are in the best of health.'

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Drinking warning signDrinkers' Guide

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.  Abraham Lincoln

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Dave Barry

[I recommend]...bread, meat, vegetables and beer. Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety.  Shakespeare in Henry V Beer drinking

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer. John Churchill, First Duke of Marlborough

An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger, or a beer. Confucius

He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Kaiser Wilhelm

Beer: So much more than just a breakfast drink.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. Frank Zappa

Bull's Eye

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We had a stag party in a bar, I was drinking & invited to play darts. 'I don't play darts'

'Play anyway' they said so I did.  After throwing badly including losing over & over...this final game I was a few more beers into it, throwing bull eyes with the 1st & 2nd darts, everyone is off there bar stools watching the 3 dart thrown.  It hits, Sparks are fling...all eyes are following it as it falls to the floor below...it's lit up spinning in sparks...comes to rest and everyone is in Awwwhh, big eyed, silent or saying Look at that, what the heck!!

A moment...then big laughs from me as I go to pick it up, I hold it up saying,  'oh, I throw my cigarette'. Everyone grumbled, walked away & I was never asked to play darts since.

Wisconsinittes (Cindy)

 

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