Funny Bartender Stories

Will and Guy love a funny bartender stories

The English call a bartender a barman.  Just for once, I believe that the Americans have the better word.  Bartender is a much more expressive word than barman or barperson.  In many ways, bartender is a word ahead of its time, in that it's gender neutral. 

Will and Guy have made a special study of bartenders and we believe that Ireland has the best supply of story-telling bartenders.   Here are some of the best bartender stories that we have collected.

• The Drinks Are On Me
• Lecture Tour With A Difference
• Meet The Wife
• Raffle Winner
• Classic Barman Joke
• A man, his giraffe and the barman

The Drinks Are On Me

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender [with a drunken slur], 'Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.'

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, 'I haven't got it.'

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says [with a drunken slur], 'Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.'

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,  so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, 'I haven't got it.'

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says [with a drunken slur], 'Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, give me the bill.'

In disgust, the bartender says, 'What, no drink for me this time?'

The drunk replies, 'You! No Way! You get too violent when you drink.'

Lecture Tour With A Difference

After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.

Meet The Wife

Mike, an alcoholic, staggered into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked up to her and gave her a kiss. She jumped up and slapped him really hard.  Mike immediately apologised and explained, 'Look, I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.' 

'Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!' she bellowed at the top of her voice. 'Funny,' Mike muttered, shaking his head, 'you even sound exactly like her.'

Raffle Winner

'Tell me, Ronan, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?' asked the parish priest.
'Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.'

'But you were with Mick McGahey, Ryan O'Toole, and Patrick McCann and they don't drink.'

'Dat's what I mean, Father...'

Classic Barman Joke

Donncha Cleary walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke.

'I'm warning you,' said the barman, 'That I come from Tralee in Kerry meself.'

'Dat's alright,' said Donncha, 'I'll tell it slowly.'

A man, his giraffe and the barman

A fellow walks into a bar with a giraffe and they sit down on two stools at the front and the guy says to the barman," Two beers please barman."

The barman pours them two beers and the giraffe grabs his and drinks it down in one go and his mate follows suit. The guy then says again, "Another two beers please barman." The bartender pours two more beers and once again the giraffe necks his and his friend does likewise. This goes on for a fair while with the giraffe and his companion downing beer after beer after beer.

The two have had about 17 beers each when the guy looks over at the giraffe who is starting to wobble on his stool......his wobbling gets worse and worse and eventually he just passes out and falls backwards off the stool onto the floor.

The guy looks at him and then gets up off his stool and starts walking out of the bar.

The barman then yells at the guy as he is leaving, "OY...you can't leave that lyin' there."

The man looks at the giraffe and then replies, "That's not a lion that's a giraffe," and walks out.

• Footnote:  Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny bartender joke
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