Clean Christian Jokes
Clean Christian Jokes
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. George Burns
The reverend King's sermon was based on forgiveness. He urged the congregation not to harbour grudges against those who have offended them.
Reverend King asked everyone to stand. He then said 'those of you who forgive and forget past grievances please be seated'. About half of those in the church sat. The preacher quoted Biblical verses and repeated his question to those still standing. At this point most sat down.
He pleaded further for them to follow the Christian way and one by one they sat down. Just one old lady remained standing; 'Madam' reverend King asked 'why can't you forgive your enemies?'
'Because I have none' she replied.
'That is remarkable; at your age to have no enemies is wonderful. To what do you attribute this achievement?
She gave him her best smile and replied, 'the bitches have all died!'
One beautiful Sunday morning, Reverend Barnard announces to his congregation,
'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons......
Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he added, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.' Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river.'
The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John's leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, 'For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5 year old Craig stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.
Craig inquired as to what they were for.
'People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,' his father responded.
'Wouldn't you just know it?' Craig complained, 'the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up.'
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, ' Do you know, fancy that, I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years and I ain't never seen anything like that.'
More Clean Christian Jokes
Father John is walking down the street one day when he notices a Nathan, a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Nathan is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, Father John moves closer to Nathan's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to Nathan's level, Father John smiles benevolently and asks, 'And now what, my little man?'
To which Nathan replies with a beaming grin, 'Now we run!'
Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: 'Fool'.
The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, 'I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.'
Theresa, living in Nebraska, USA, decides to post the old family Holy Bible to her brother in Maine. The postal worker enquires as to whether there is anything breakable in the parcel.
'Only the Ten Commandments,' Theresa replies with a smile.
Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.
'Mummy,' he inquired, 'can we leave now?'
'Well, I think I'm about to throw up.' Marty announced.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.
'Did you throw up?' Marty's Mum asked quietly.
'How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?' Doris demanded.
'I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, "For the Sick" '.
Sign behind an Amish carriage: Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. Extreme caution: Avoid exhaust.
'There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,' announced Reverend Morris.
After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of church for the announced meeting. However, there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.
'My friend,' asked Reverend Morris, 'did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?'
'Oh, yes,' came the rejoinder from the visitor, 'and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get.'
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