Funny Woman Jokes - Bumper Page
Here is a page of our free, assorted, funny Woman jokes. The first section has one-liners, while the second section features short stories. At the bottom of the page are funny pictures of women drivers. Enjoy the best of Will and Guy's woman jokes.
If you take political correctness to its logical conclusion, men would want to ban 'man' jokes like the following Rita Rudner quip, however, Will and Guy can laugh along with Rita without any thought of taking offence.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner
Some Marriage Math(s):
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Iris, my sister-in-law, is a long distance lorry driver. She decided to get a dog for protection for the long days and nights that she was away from home. As she studied a likely candidate, the breeder told her, 'I must warn you that he doesn't like men.'
'Perfect', Iris thought and promptly bought the dog.
Some time later as she was leaving a transport café, two men approached her, in the car park, and Iris watched to see how her new 'bodyguard' would react. It soon became clear that the breeder hadn't been joking, because as the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car and hid.
If you have any clean 'Woman' one-lines please send them to Will and Guy
How Being a Parent Can Change Your Life:
When a baby is born into a family it affects every one in that family. However, as you have baby 2 ... then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.
Your Baby's Clothing:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.
Getting Ready for the Day of the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't help at all.
3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.
It's All in the Name
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.
Political correctness had developed a momentum all it own. My greater concern is bullying, I am against all forms of bullying both at work and in school. However, I do believe that areas, which are considered politically incorrect, can still be used for a joke - and this page is one of them!
Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!
New Female Maths - 710
Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at the Ford dealer.
While I was talking to Bert, the Mechanic, a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.... We all looked at each other, and the Bert asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car ?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
Is Romance Dead?
Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
With This Ring I Me Wed
Janet Downes, from Nebraska, USA, thinks she has found the secret for a happy marriage: she's marrying herself on her fortieth birthday. She says the wedding ceremony celebrates that she is 'happy with herself,' and plans to exchange vows with herself in the mirror.
The ceremony will include a wedding gown, flowers, a traditional cake, and a choir.
How even a nervous, first-time
Half Price Sale 21 Miles ----> Fresh Water 400 yds. Which way will she go!
Mr Toskana has had an expensive divorce and now needs the money SALE NOW ON!!
Woman Driver Jokes - How did She do THAT
Our question is how did the woman explain parking the car?
As ever, Will and Guy try to alter names and pictures to protect the guilty - Even Woman drivers!
More Amusing Woman Pictures
I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I Love You? Mixed Message
But I hate your car?
Finally: Thinking Man - A Little Reading is Dangerous
The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,
'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'.
More Woman Jokes
P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny woman jokes.
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