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Wedding Jokes - Bumper Page

Will and Guy's Wedding Jokes, Short Stories and Funny PicturesClean Wedding Jokes

Here is a page of our free, clean but funny wedding jokes.  The first section are one liners while the second section are short stories, at the bottom are funny pictures of weddings.  Research your MC* wedding speech or just enjoy the best of Will and Guy's wedding jokes.

* MC Master of ceremonies, also know as the Emcee.

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Wedding Jokes - Tasters

  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
    Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

The Irish Wedding

At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.'

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Wedding One-liners by the Famous

How To Be a Fun Wedding MC

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)Wedding Toasts

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman) 

¤

More Clean One-liners for Your MC Wedding SpeechWedding Toasts

  • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
  • A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.  Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
  • When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.Funny Wedding Toasts
  • Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.  So I got two girlfriends.
  • A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives.  In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
  • A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.  The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
  • How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
  • A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  • The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  • More Funny Wedding Speech Jokes »

Clean Short Stories Suitable for a Wedding Day Speech

Those Wanting to Be MarriedWedding Toasts

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service.  After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.  For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?'  Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

Best ManJokes for Wedding Speech

A groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding, reports the Metro.  Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day.  The health and safety training organiser, from Hull, said, 'I was away working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made and didn't think she would let it happen.  But when we got into the register office I turned round and there he was walking up the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.'  The 27-year-old bride added: 'It was a wonderful surprise.'

The Wedding Present

...(vr3)

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate my daughter's marriage.  Just for your information the seating arrangement has been specially organised with all of the people that bought large presents being placed towards the front and those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the back.  (Pause)

There is a special thanks for uncle Fred who is at the back for the oven glove.  (Pause)

The bride would like to ask uncle Fred if she could have the other glove for their Silver Wedding Anniversary.

[Wedding joke kindly sent in by JC]

An awesome pearl wedding dress is an excellent choice to compliment your precious diamond engagement ring.

The Wedding Preparation

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The chemist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Chemist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Chemist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Chemist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Chemist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Chemist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list."

[Wedding joke kindly sent in by Sarah Cowling]

See more wedding mc jokes here »

How To Be a Fun Wedding MC

What Kind of Wedding Do You Want, My love?

'I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance,
A church filled with family and friends.
I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for,
He said one that would make me his wife.'

Anonymous Clean Wedding Toast

Clean Wedding Toasts

If you are making a wedding toast, here are ideas to get your creative juices flowing.  In fact, if you don't have to make a wedding toast then you can really let your imagination run wild.

  • To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage - Lao Tzu
  • Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
  • Love is friendship set to music - Anonymous
  • They do not love that do not show their love - William Shakespeare
  • Love is life - Leo Tolstoy
  • Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination - Voltaire
  • May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river - Traditional African proverb
  • Insomuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul - St. Augustine
  • Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is eternity - Kahlil Gibran
  • We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow of love for others - Walter Rauschenbusch
  • Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same - Emily Bronte
  • There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved - Georges Sand
  • Without love, the world itself would not survive - Lope de Vega
  • When love reigns, the impossible may be attained - Indian proverb

Slow Learner?

After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him:  'You'd better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.'

The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.

 

6 Million Dollar Question

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?'

'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who left it to you.'

6 Million Dollar Question

How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

...(v3r)

Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy, for example; this can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster, Yorkshire, England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator intone, 'It is so very important that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He turned to the men and asked, 'Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?'

Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria's arm gently and whispered, 'Self raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Nicky's life of celibacy.

Bad Hair Day

On the day of the nuptuals, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee.  Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, 'What's the matter, daddy? Why are you looking so down in the mouth so?'

'I'm not really sad, darling,' Luke replies, 'it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.'

'No they didn't, daddy,' she answers, 'No one I told knew.'

A Sad Wedding

Nellie Morgan and John Rees were married on February 2nd in Newtown's Baptist church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

¤¤

Care for Your Mother-in-law

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

Another Mother-in-Law Tale

In the morning the day after my nuptials, the phone rang. 'Reverse charges call from Jackie', said the operator'. 'Will you accept the charges?'

I couldn't think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's Jackie', said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.'  See more Mother-in-Law jokes »

Wedding Anniversary Story

John wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone.  Emma is excited, she loves her phone.  John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone.

On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi ya, Emma, 'he says, 'how do you like your new phone?' Emma replies, 'I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though.'

'What's that, Emma?' asks the husband.

'How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?'

More Wedding Funnies - Clean Jokes For a Wedding Day

  • 'Hello, Bill,' exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time in a while. 'Did you marry that girl you used to go with or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?'

    'Yes,' replied Bill.
  • 'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.'

    'But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew.

    ''I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean.
  • To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot, and not try to understand her at all.

Wedding jokes

Funny Wedding Pictures

...(v3r)

Witty Wedding Cars - It all starts delightfully

funny wedding cars

Bride and Groom - Characteristic pose

funny wedding cake picture

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Inevitable follow-up

Marriage Mental Health

Marriage Complications:  Classic Computer Wedding Joke

Computer Wedding Joke

...(videoG2)

More Tales the MC could NOT Tell in a Wedding Speech

Lucky Escape?

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.  On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before our nuptuals. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.  Tomorrow I would've been a free man!'

Picture The Bride

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'Funny Wedding Speeches

Bride Was a Picture

A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to husband Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb.

It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

See more of our wedding jokes »

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good wedding jokes.

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