'I wouldn't go to America if you paid me,' said Michael. 'Why is
that?' asked the Patrick.
'Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the
road there.' 'And
what's wrong with that?' inquired Patrick.
'Well', said Michael, 'I tried it driving in Dublin the other day and
The Vicar is Buying a Parrot
'Now, you're sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' he inquired.
'Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures
him. 'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one,
he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites
the 23rd Psalm.'
'Brilliant. Wonderful!' grins the Vicar, 'but what happens if I pull
'I fall off my perch, you twit!' screeches the parrot.
Customer Bowled Over by Service
A car mechanic received a
repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around
corners so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn,
then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.
When he arrived
back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this
note: 'Removed bowling ball from trunk.'
The T.V. is No Joke
I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.
She asked me what was on the TV and I said: dust.
Didn't go too well after that.
The Latest Adventure Film
Mark, our five-year-old
grandson, couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the film we had
watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the
middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, 'What caused the
submarine to sink?'
With a look of incredulity Mark replied,
'Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!'
be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was
your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.'
'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was
Near Death Experience
A boss asked one of his
employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
'Yes, sir,' replied
the new employee.
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday
after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see
Draw a Picture of Mummy at Work
Here is a copy of Mummy's note, the next day, for the teacher:
Dear Miss Greenwood,
That is not a dance pole on stage in a
dancing club. I work at Wal Mart and that's me selling a shovel.
Yours faithfully, Sarah Fogarty.
Phone a Friend?
Sally, a teenager, had been talking on the phone for almost ½ an hour
and then she hung up.
'Crikey!' responded her father, 'That was short, darling, you usually
talk for 2 hours or more. What happened?'
'Oh,' smiled Sally, 'It was a wrong number.'
Youth is Wasted on The Young?
grandmother was telling her little granddaughter, Hannah, what her own
childhood was like, 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods,' opined Elsie.
was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten
to know you sooner, Grandma!'
Here are Will and Guy's
favourite schoolboy howlers. These are funny answers to exam questions, were culled by
teachers reading through 1,000s of answers. Here are their moments of fun amid tedious schoolboy writing.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
Louis Pasteur discovered a
cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
I didn't know if my
granddaughter, Rachael, had learned her colours yet, so I decided to
test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was.
Rachael would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for
me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, 'Son, are you able to
support a family?'
'Well, no, sir,' he replied. 'I was just planning to support your
daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.'
Those Wanting To Be Married
Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief
ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.
Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.