Funny Retirement Speeches

Will and Guy's Funny Retirement SpeechesFunny Retirement Speech

Here are ideas from which you can flesh out to create a wonderful farewell oration for a colleague.

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Top Ten Quotes Suitable For A Retirement Speech

Will and Guy offer these quotations as being suitable for inclusion in a retirement speech.Retirement Speech Quotes

  1. When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference. - Virginia Graham
  2. The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman
  3. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle
  4. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
  5. Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television. - Author Unknown
  6. There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half
  7. The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.- Author Unknown
  8. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff
  9. Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret
  10. It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Scott Elledge.

One for luck: I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. - Gene Perret

Memory TestRetirement Speech Poem

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test.  It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!  Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."

¤¤

Will and Guy's Ten Clean and Short Retirement Speech Funnies

You Are Probably Retired If....

  1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  3. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  4. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  5. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  6. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
  7. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
  8. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  9. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
  10. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

Will claims he particularly suffers from numbers 3, 4, and 5.

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Round-off Your Leaving Speech With a PoemRetirement Speech Poem

Retirement Time

Retirement is a time
For feeling glad to be alive,
A time when friendships blossom
And enthusiasms thrive.
A chance to do the special things
You always wished you could.
Retirement is a special time
For knowing...life is good.
Congratulations on your
Retirement. 

Retirement - means you now can spend more time to spend in visiting doctors!

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A Confession - Funny Retirement SpeechRetirement Speech Quotes

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner.  He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

See more funny retirement speeches.

 

Three Old Retired Men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.Retirement Speech Quotes

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

Classic Proposal

Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.Retirement Speech Quotes

Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'

Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was.
He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'

How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it might take him all day.

¤

More Funny Stories for a Retirement Speech

Funny Old GoatFunny old goat - Story

A group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous 'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat's milk was used.

Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.  Madame then asked, turning to the group, 'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'

One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours.'

How to Spend Semi-Retirement Semi Retirement Joke

Now I'm in semi-retirement and growing older, I thought that I might break-down my time and present my findings in a pie chart. This is what my day looks like pictorially:

 

Ideal Poem For a Retirement Speech

You wake up in the morning
With nothing to do
How you're going to fill your day
You haven't a clue
By the time you've had a leisurely breakfast
Your energy starts to sap
Before lunch the chances are
You'll find the time to fit in a nap
At lunch, avoid drinking coffee
That's far too soon
You don't want it keeping you awake
All the afternoon
Get some fresh air
Go into the garden for a bit
Busy yourself
Having a nice long sit
When you're thoroughly worn out
With all that fresh air
Take yourself back indoors
To your favourite armchair
Where you can have a good contemplate
About ways to get thinner
But try to fit in 40 winks
Just ahead of dinner
Then relax in the evening
Trying to understand
How you only managed to get done
Half the things you'd planned
Never mind, don't bother yourself
With any regret or sorrow
You've got plenty of time to fail
To do it all again tomorrow

Jon Bratton 2009 

Leaving Speech Advice

The basic idea is to convey the significance of the retirement milestone with a humour and an eloquence that suits the occasion.

Firstly welcome everyone to the function; especially the most senior members of the organization. Tell the assembled company something about yourself which will introduce you to the guests who do not know you particularly well.

Compliment the ceremony itself and perhaps comment on the food or decor. Inject some humour by relating events in the planning of the retirement party that you found funny.

Talk about the retiree fondly and amusingly and anecdotally. Have a couple of stories that are perhaps touching or amusing.  Be sure not embarrass anyone.  Talk about their achievements and your special relationship.  Talk about some of the standout moments in their career, make sure the star of the event is conveyed as an unforgettable individual.

Retirement Speech Check List

  • Make sure your speech will appeal to a wide range of staff, and doesn't offend any guests.
  • Does your speech include a few jokes yet remaining charming?
  • Have you included thanks to everyone involved?
  • Consider writing down key points on cards.  Even if you never use them they will give you confidence that you won't dry up.
  • Remember to finish your oration by toasting the retiree.

Two More Poems To End Your Retirement Speech

Dust If You Must

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

Semi Retirement Joke

And So Finally Farewell

Irish Blessings

A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering angel,
so nothing can harm you.

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

 

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