Funny Retirement Jokes and Funny Stories
Will and Guy's Funny Retirement Jokes and Stories for Leaving Speeches
A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.
All about retirement
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Three More Helpful Retirement Jokes
Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque (check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
PS. I just remembered, I left the water running......................................
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LWO - †Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTP - Where're the Prunes?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
† Lawrence Welk - 1950s American musician, accordionist and bandleader.
More Jokes Suitable for Retirement Speeches
Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for
their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!
Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin,
"It's your turn. What is five times five?"
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin
it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
How even a nervous, first-time
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
The Story of The Retired Husband at Tesco
Dear Mrs. Marsh,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:
Memo: Re - Mr Joseph Marsh
Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax? Will and Guy are not sure.
Bob's Funny Retirement Story
Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.
One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, 'When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it.'
'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'
'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Claire.
'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business' , declared the first man.
'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'
'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'
Maurice, aged 87, was very contented living in the Alpha Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, 76, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only yesterday Maurice plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.
Edna smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Delighted, Edna answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Maurice
what his second question was.
Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona.
We hope they each found someone!
Grandma's Pizza Delivery
Retirement Speech Tips
Do practice your retirement speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation. To gain extra confidence, find out precisely at which point during the reception you should deliver the speech.
While I concede that these stories may not be perfect for your victim, sorry I mean colleague, you could change a few words and thus create an amusing anecdote.
Will and Guy are led to believe that the following job application is a real one submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK. Word is that they have employed him.
We have changed the name to protect the guilty.
NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy Bastard].
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.'
'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered.
'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
Rosa took the two eggs home.
Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old'un down.
You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music'
Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids,
When the pipes leak,
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
Back pains, confused
brains and no fear of sinning,
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
How I Spend Retirement
Now I'm in semi-retirement and growing older, I thought that I might rationalise my days and present my findings in a simple pie chart. This is what my time looks like graphically:
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