A Bumper Page of Pilot Jokes
A Bumper Page of Funny Pilot Jokes
I was flying from Shanghai to Zhengzhou. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was slightly annoyed. Unexpectedly, we stopped at Nanjing on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we could re-board in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, 'Lee, we're in Nanjing for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'
Lee replied, 'No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?'
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
'$10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.'
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.'
'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.'
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, 'Hey! Where am I?' To this, the solitary office worker replies, 'You're in a plane.'
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. 'Simple,' replies the pilot, 'I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 per cent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there I knew the airport was just 5 miles away.'
A gigantic new sign placed just under the flight path of most aircraft approaching the City of Derry Airport, Northern Ireland. It was felt, by the local council, that the aircrews needed all the help they could get.
One reason why pilots may need more ground navigation aids:
According to The Australian newspaper, an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging inside the smallest room.
A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Mike, retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, 'I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary's church for the last 51 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
This Pilot Story May, or May Not Be True - What Do You Think?
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
'It will be waiting for you at the airport!' he was assured by his editor.
'Fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make three or four low level passes.'
'Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!' said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, 'You mean you're not my flying instructor.'
P.S. Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny pilot joke.
If you like this page then please share it with your friends
See more funny planes, pilot jokes and cabin crew humour: