Funny Man Jokes

Will and Guy's Collection of Funny Man Jokes

'My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.' Rodney Dangerfield

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Man Jokes - Clean One-liners

Did You Know? Man Jokes - One-liners

  1.  In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again.

    80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman.

    Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear!
  2.  Gamophobia is the fear of marriage.
  3.  'When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.  When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.' - Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)
  4.  Men who never get carried away should be.  Malcolm Forbes
  5. The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.  Margo Kaufman

Amusing Gender DifferencesLaundry - Give it to your wife

An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The girls wrote: 'Woman!  Without her, man is nothing.'

How Do You Decide Who to Marry?

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Nathan, age 10.

Man Jokes - Welsh Husbands

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

Footnote
As a Welsh husband myself, I can vouch for the truth of the above scenario.

Men Are Just Happier People

...(v3r)

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ' do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 20 relatives on December 24 in 20 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

See more gentlemen jokes ».

More Funny Jokes About Men

Drive Through ATM: Male / Female ProceduresDrive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

Male Procedure:

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.

Female Procedure:

...(videVfl2)
  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down.  Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  4. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up.  Attempt to insert card into machine.
  5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.  Insert card.
  6. Re-insert card the right way.
  7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  8. Enter PIN.
  9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  10. Enter amount of cash required.
  11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
  12. Retrieve cash and receipt
  13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
  15. Re-check makeup.
  16. Drive forward 2 feet.
  17. Reverse back to cash machine.
  18. Retrieve card.
  19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Dress - Wash it Again
  21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  22. Redial person on cell phone.
  23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  24. Release Parking Brake.

Wash it Again

My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five pounds richer because I washed this dress by hand.'

'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'

Story of a Poor Man in the Dog HousePolish man in dog house - Father's day

In January, Zdzislaw Bukarowcz, a seventy-five year old Polish man from Scinawa, lived in a dog's kennel for three weeks.  It was all the work of his zona*, Mrs Bukarowcz, her reason for dishing out this punishment was because Zdzislaw repeatedly came home drunk.

She chained him to the kennel and fed him on dog food;  Zdzislaw was given water from a dog bowl.  At night the temperatures often dropped to minus 20 degrees Celsius.

Pani Bukarowcz told reporters that she was sick of him wasting all their money on vodka. His drinking companions, worried by his non-attendance in the pub, eventually freed him from his imprisonment and called the police.

* Zona is Polish for wife.  Pani means Mrs in Polish.

Man Learning to Understanding Women

...(v3r)

Man Learning About Women

Philosophical Man Jokes

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.  Oscar Wilde

'At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.' PG Wodehouse

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. Samuel Butler

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

'The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore.'  Samuel Butler

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.  Bertrand Russell

See more funny man quotes.

 

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Article by: Guy Thomas

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