Jackson's Jokes and Funny Short Stories

Will and Guy's Jackson's Jokes and Funny Short StoriesJackson jokes and funny pirate stories

Here is a page of our free, clean funny Jackson jokes.  Truly, this site is the origin of 'Jackson Jokes', simply because we know the Jackson in 'Jackson's Jokes'.  We love his funny short stories and share them with you.

Jackson is a man from Portsmouth. He was a professional fisherman before retiring. He has a ready wit and loves to share his humour with others.

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Jackson's One-liners

  • A well known dealer in stolen goods was killed today. A police spokesman said he fell off the back of a lorry.
  • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
  • When cryptography is outlawed, nogl wdnuptz hkfr csaq ksp4rtv.
  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Member of Parliament. But I repeat myself.
  • Why did the cowboy die with his boots on?  Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.
  • What's blonde with big eyes and intelligent? A golden retriever.
  • A man said to his mate, 'My wife is so ugly I have to take her with me every time I go out so that I don't have to kiss her goodbye.'
  • A man said to his friend, 'My wife is so large, she was sitting on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in'.
  • A man said to his friend, 'My wife is so large, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her'.
  • What is the Matterhorn? It's a horn you blow when something's the matter.

Classic Jackson Humour - How To be Banned from B&Q:

Method 1
Gordon Barking was today barred from B&Q shops in the south of England. As he entered the store in Portsmouth the man on the door greeted him by asking if he wanted decking.  Gordon, luckily, got the first punch in.

Method 2:
When asked if there is a B&Q in Dublin, O'Flaherty said he didn't know but that there were two D's in Dundalk.

A Jackson Story

There were two brothers one of whom had really large eyes and the other huge ears.

They went for a job on a ship. The captain said, 'What can you do? 'Well, I can be a lookout,' said the guy with the large eyes.

'What about him?' said the captain. 'Well he's my brother, so he's got to come with me.'

The captain said, 'OK, you can be lookout and take him with you to the crow's nest and keep him out of my way!'

They had been at sea for a week when the whistle from the crow's nest sounded in the wheelhouse! 'Ship bearing port 10'. The captain looked at the radar, not an echo on the scope.

'Are you sure?' he enquired. 'Positive', came the reply, 'and what's more its Chinese.'

'How do you know that?' he asked.
He said, 'MY BROTHER CAN HEAR 'EM TALKING.'

 ф

Jackson's Tales from the Ship's DeckJackson Humour

Trawler Skipper Jackson had heavy session in a pub on the docks.  Feeling the worse for wear he asked his mate, also a skipper, if he could get his head down on board his boat to get ready for some more in the evening.

'Yeh, go ahead', said my oppo.

I was shaken awake by one of the crew saying the skipper wanted me on the bridge.

Got up there feeling disoriented and wondering why it was so dark. I was greeted by words l will never forget.

'ITS THE WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER OVER THERE, THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO SEE 'EM.'

Five days later, all spent trawling in the southern North Sea, we arrived back in Pompey and went straight to the pub - as you do.

Jackson's Moonshine Refrain

Jackson's late, lamented Irish Grandmother; Jane Cronin [d.1965], often used the words from The Moonshiner song when she told him Irish tales, songs and stories.

I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll drink when I'm dry
And the *moonshine don't kill me, I'll live til I die.

This traditional Irish folk song was made famous by the Clancy Brothers. Will was known to sing it in his college days. 'Oh dear, better forgotten,' he says.

*Moonshine = Moonshine (meaning illicit distillation, also called white lightning, mountain dew, hooch, "Tennessee white whiskey", and many other names) is an illegally produced distilled beverage. The word is believed to derive from early English smugglers and illegal Appalachian distillers who clandestinely (i.e., by the light of the moon) produced and distributed whiskey. Moonshine is also known as Poteen in Ireland.

Jackson's Favourite TippleJackson Tipple

Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka.

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Portsmouth Dockyard Cats Watch Jackson the Fisherman at Work

Cats Watch Jackson the Fisherman at Work

Jackson's Cat Selling Fish!

Cat Selling Fish

Funny Fishing Joke from JacksonFunny Fishing Joke - Jackson

While out in his boat the other day [see picture right] a bloke spotted Jackson fishing. He watched as Jackson opened his tackle box and took out a mirror. Being curious, the man piloted his boat over to Jackson and asked, ' Hey, mate, what is the mirror for?'

'That's my secret way to catch fish,' answered Jackson mysteriously. 'You shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.'

'Blimey, does that really work?' asked the gullible man.

'You bet it does,' smiled Jackson smugly.

'I don't suppose you'd be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you £30 [$50USD] for it,' asked the man.

'Well, ok then,' replied Jackson.

After the money changed hands, the man enquired, 'By the way, mate, how many fish have you caught this week?'

'You're the sixth,' laughed Jackson happily.

Meanwhile, Jackson Combines His Love of Fishing and Music

...(v3r)

Jackson fishing

More weird jokes

Jackson's Lonely Heart Advert

Wanted good woman - Please send photo of motor

Jackson's advert placed in the Angling Times.

Big Catch on Fisherman Jackson's BoatFunny Fishing Joke - Jackson

A trawler caught a torpedo in its net. There followed a hurried radio conversation with QHM [Queen's Harbour Master].

Fishing vessel [anonymous], 'We have torpedo on board request instructions, over. 'This is QHM, please give current position.'

Fishing vessel (anon), 'I am presently tied up outside Bridge Tavern in Camber Dock, Old Portsmouth. 'Clunk!' - sound of transmitter as it fell from the operator's hand.

As a result of this: Old Portsmouth sealed off pubs around the Camber area; houses were evacuated; the Isle of Wight ferries were stopped.

This is one of many true stories told by 'Fisherman Jackson.'

Trawler Tales from Jackson

The following unusual, perhaps amusing items have been found by Jackson when he was a fisherman:

In the Solent:

  • Fossilised sharks teeth
  • Dozens of canon balls
  • Various bones including a human skull
  • Bits of Mary Rose [flagship of Henry V111]
  • One ton German parachute mine 2nd World War 'live'
  • Hand grenade including pin
  • Various dud torpedoes dismantled on board and sold for scrap
  • 'Live' aircraft canon shells
  • £20 note [Jackson bought 1st round]
  • Various bits of contraband ' lost' overboard
  • German e-boat torpedo tube made of bronze and sold as scrap, inside was a 'live' torpedo.

In the North Sea:

  • Woolly mammoth teeth
  • Yellow Ford Fiesta [12 miles off southern North Sea - it had a failed MOT]

Politically Correct?

The scenario: A boat tied up in dock; pan out to lots of people in suits - camera crews everywhere.

What do we see, but a deckhand on board his trawler mending nets. A man in a suit is being filmed by the BBC news team: 'Excuse me, said the suit, I'm Doctor Smith* the minister for agriculture and fisheries, what are your views on the common market fisheries policies?'

Trawler man Jackson: 'Ain't got none mate, but while you're 'ere can you 'ave a look at my piles!'

* Name changed to protect the guilty.

Juanita - One-eaterOne-eater Juanita

Jackson has told Will that there was, for years at Portsmouth Camber docks, a Spanish trawler man who had only one tooth.

His nickname was ...... Juanita. [one eater]

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Gruesome Jackson Humour

Jackson saw an old friend walking along the sea front at Southsea. 'Hello Harry,' he said, 'How are you?' It was only then that Jackson realised that Harry only had one leg !

'What happened to you?' he inquired. 'My wife left me so I jumped in front of a train but it only took my leg off.'

Jackson then noticed that Harry only had one hand and in its place was a hook. 'What happened to your hand?' he asked.

'I tried it again, 'he replied,' and the train just took my hand off.' Jackson story pirate

Jackson, again noticed that Harry also had a glass eye. 'What's up with your eye?' he asked, this time with considerable trepidation.

'Well,' said the Harry, 'after two attempts to take my life I thought God doesn't want me to die, so I looked to the sky and said 'thank you, God', and a passing seagull made a deposit right in my eye ! ! !

'But you can't loose an eye through bird muck.' insisted Jackson.

Harry looked down at the floor and said, 'I'd only had the hook for three days!'

See Jackson's sea adventure video

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Article by: Guy Thomas

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