Will and Guy's Collection of Clean Uproarious One-liners
What is the Matterhorn?
It's a horn you blow when something's the
Note: unlike most collections of humour which tend to be samey, Will and Guy have
deliberately chosen a wide variety of subject matter and styles, thus we
will be amazed if at least one of these comical one-liners does not make you smile.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit
It's not the minutes spent at the table
that put on weight, it's the seconds.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to
make a film about it.
Funny names for children: Hazel Nutt, Phil Hole, Anna
Sasin and Doug Graves.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Had a text from my mate the other day:
'I've just been
arrested and charged with being the ugliest man in Britain - please come down to the police station and prove them wrong.'
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish
a man, and he'll eat for weeks!
Toshihiro Kawabata The second mouse gets the cheese.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the
birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth.
Oxymoron: Look at that giant midget settle on the jumbo
shrimp. Customer: 'Do you serve lobsters?'
Waiter: 'We serve anybody, sir.'
Clean Hilarious One-liner Put-downs
I liked your opera. Perhaps I will set it to music.
Mozart I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad
to make an exception.
Groucho Marx A pat on the back is only a few
centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack
Oscar Wilde Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. Ambrose Bierce
Quiz Show Funnies
Anne Robinson: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with 'G'
took the title Mahatma? Contestant: Geronimo ( Correct Answer)
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering
above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles.
Les Dennis: What is Hitler's first name?
Courtroom What gear were you in at the moment of the
car crash? Lawyer: Defendant: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
More Hilarious One-Liner Jokes
Here is another tranche of one-liners. Once again the only theme is
variety. We hope that you will enjoy reading these uproarious
one-liners as much as we did
in selecting them.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder.
He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Tommy Cooper I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
I do not have a single white note on my piano; my
elephant smoked too much.
Victor Borge Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
Why are there flotation devices under
plane seats instead of parachutes? Steve Wright Rufus always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a
noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
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