Clean Hilarious Jokes
Andy told me he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
The Thief and the Parrot Hilarious Story
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!'
Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar crept forward again.
He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?'
The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and
asked the parrot: 'What's
a stupid name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar.'
What idiot named you Ronald?'
This story is allegedly true:
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'
The boy replied, 'I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office.'
Cream Loses Its Magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked
'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the
cream with a tissue
The two criminal masterminds planned their heist carefully. They knew the courier would have a suitcase full of cash. They waited for his car to pass, then pursued him at high speed, shooting at the vehicle until the courier was forced to pull over.
Armed robbers made off with what they thought was a suitcase full of cash - they were in for a surprise. Back at their secret hideout, the bandits prepared to force the locks and spring the cash. That's when they noticed their plan had gone horribly wrong; instead of taking the money, they made off with a first aid kit.
Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, 'If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running.
But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident.'
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel
A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.
Another Batch of Clean Hilarious Jokes
Will and Guy have deliberately chosen a wide variety of topics, thus we will be surprised if at least one of these uproarious jokes does not make you smile.
Having just moved into his new office in Whitehall, pompous, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Rodney Grant [Royal Navy] was sitting at his desk when Leading Seaman Jones knocked on his door. Particularly aware of his new position, the commander quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.'
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed young Jones man, he asked, 'What do you want?'
'Nothing important, sir,' Jones replied without batting an eyelid, 'I'm just here to connect up your new telephone.'
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, 'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'
We hope that you are enjoying our varied collection of hilarious jokes. To surprise - but not to shock - we have deliberately chosen a wide variety of topics for our amusing yarns.
Advanced Driving Test
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!
The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!'
Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.
The voice rang out once more, 'There are no fish under the ice.' Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards and said, 'Is that you, Lord?'
The voice replied, 'No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.'
Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?
With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.
The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.
'It's a bottle of gin that I got for my husband.'
The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. T hen speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'
How even a nervous, first-time
Two West Country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.
'What a lovely bunch of cows.' he remarked.
'Heard of what?'
'Of course I've heard of cows.'
'No, a cow herd.'
'What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow.'
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