Good Jokes

Will and Guy's Good JokesGood Jokes

Our criteria for a 'Good Joke' is as follows: a funny tale that has surprise; the punch line brings a smile to your face.  Our Good Jokes are clean and suitable for you to tell at a family gatherings.  Many of these jokes can be spun out to make a short story; as so often with a good yarn, all you need is the seed of an idea.

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Good Jokes Based on Clever Use of Language:

1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.'  The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

3) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

4) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!' Good jokes

5) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?' 

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

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Clean and Funny Good Jokes from Will and GuyGood jokes

Air Crash Victims: True?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records.  What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton, English comedian.

Difficult Landing

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'.Aircrew Jokes

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard.  In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment.  However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything. 

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,'  said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

Collection of Good Jokes About Church and Marriage

The Marriage

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. Janet introduced this man as her new husband.

Paula gasped out loud in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, 'I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!'

Marriage Two

Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?
Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question?

After the Honeymoon

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'Ironing Board

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful?  What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Going To Church

I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Perkins. I hear you were out playing football instead.

'That's not true, Vicar.  And I've got the fish to prove it.'

My Word, That's a Heavy Fish, Doc

Doctor Dermot Reid from Fareham in Hampshire, England, was famous in South Hants for always catching large fish and for winning fishing trophies.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips in the Test Valley he got a call that a woman at Cropper's Farm was giving birth.  He hurried to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so Doctor Reid used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz ............

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Quasimodo's ReplacementQuasimodo's Replacement

After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'

''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

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Who Reads Newspapers? A Funny and Alternative ViewNewspaper Readers

  • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
  • The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
  • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand The Washington Post.
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
  • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
  • The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don't think is part of the country.

House Buying: A Humorous Tale

...(v3r)

The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen the Alex wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these times.

A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor, site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of the building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. Alex points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

'Green side up.'

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, 'Every time you are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out the window

'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?'

The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, 'I have four blokes laying turf around the building.'

Sotheby's Auction, London: An Amusing Anecdote

The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, 'A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand pounds. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand pounds.

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, 'Two thousand five hundred.'

A Good Joke About a Husband

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't.  He just walked in the door.' Will and Guy's jokes - English Channel

Classic Short and Sweet Joke

Where's the English Channel?
I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

good jokeWatson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

Four Good Jokes That Have Stood the Test of Time

The American and the Welsh farmers

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' .  Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'

See more Texas Jokes

...(videVfl2)

Windy Tale?

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it? 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'  The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

This Will Rot More than Your Teeth

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.' Ave maria Joke

Divine Intervention

'I'm in a terrible fix,' moaned Raymond. 'I'm in love with two girls and I don't know which to marry.'

'No problem,' said Sean to the Englishman. 'I know you're not a Catholic but I think the church could help you. Call in tomorrow morning, kneel down and try a sincere prayer to God - that should do the trick.'

Next morning Sean arrived to find Raymond with a beaming smile.

'It worked. It's a miracle,' Raymond enthused. 'I walked in, knelt down and there it was written in red across the altar cloth: AVE MARIA!'

Good One-liners - Deliberately Chosen to Give Variety and Surprise

  • Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • War Dims Hope for Peace.  (Newspaper headline)
  • If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
  • In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.'
  • I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
  • Include your children when baking your cookies.  (Newspaper leader)
  • 'I hate music, especially when it's played.' - Jimmy Durante
  • Close, but no cigar!

Divine Intervention

...(v3r)

'I'm in a terrible fix,' moaned Raymond. 'I'm in love with two girls and I don't know whether to propose to Wendy or Mary.'

'No problem,' said Sean to the Englishman. 'I know you're not a Catholic but I think the church could help you. Call in tomorrow morning, kneel down and try a sincere prayer to God - that should do the trick.'

Next morning Sean arrived to find Raymond with a beaming smile.

'It worked. It's a miracle,' Raymond enthused. 'I walked in, knelt down and there it was written in red across the altar cloth: AVE MARIA!'

Good Joke from The Backwoods

Just before thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keel's over and collapses.  He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.  Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the Eddie says, 'OK, now what?'

Out of the Mouths of Babes
(So often these tales are a source of a good joke)Bible funny stories

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

 

Footnotes:
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