Two female cats are sitting on the fence passing the time of day when a
really handsome tomcat walks by and winks at them.
'Oh darling, did you see that one?' one of the
felines opines. 'I wouldn't
mind sharing a dead mouse with him.' 'Oh, forget about him,' her friend
tells her. 'I went out with him once, and all he did was talk about his
A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A
neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening. The owner said, 'Well, I
had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'
cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
In front of the local butcher's, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in
fact, a collector's
He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. 'He's
not for sale', said the butcher.
'Look', said the collector', that cat is dirty and
scabby, but I'm an eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten pounds'. 'It's
a deal', said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately.
'For that amount of money I'm
sure you won't
mind throwing in the saucer', said the connoisseur', 'The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.'
do that', said the butcher firmly, 'That's
my lucky saucer. From that saucer,
so far this week, I've sold 18 cats.'
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by feline. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour's
shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
front paws to
rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Cats sleep anywhere, any table, any chair. Top of piano, window-ledge, in
the middle, on the edge. Open draw, empty shoe, anybody's lap will do.
Fitted in a cardboard box, in the cupboard with your frocks. Anywhere! They
don't care! Cats sleep anywhere.
Eleanor Farjeon [1881 - 1965]
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray
for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray
for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For
windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I
pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To
never tell a human that The world is really ruled by cats!
Footnote Please write to Will and Guy if you have any
funny cat jokes.
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