Funny Farewell Speeches

Will and Guy's Funny Farewell SpeechesFunny Farewell Speech

Here are ideas from which you can flesh out to create a wonderful retirement oration for a colleague.

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Lost in His Own Back Yard?

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'

Memory Test

Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for their memory test.  It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!  Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, "It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."

Retirement Gold Watch Farewell Speeches

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff

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Short Farewell Speech Funnies

You Are Probably Ready to Leave If....

  1. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  2. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  3. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  4. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  5. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  6. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
  7. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
  8. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  9. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
  10. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

Classic Farewell CartoonsRetirement Speech Quotes

Farewell Speech Quotes

A Confession - Funny Farewell Speech

A priest was being honoured at his farewell dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner.  He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.Retirement Speech Quotes

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

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Priceless Antique?Retirement Joke - Antique

Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.

One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, 'When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it.'

'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'
'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Claire.

'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'

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Three Old Retired Men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.Retirement Speech Quotes

'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man.

'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

Classic Proposal

Charlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.Retirement Speech Quotes

Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?'

Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was.
He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'

How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Only one, but it might take him all day.

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More Funny Retirement Speech Stories

Funny Old GoatFunny old goat - Story

A group of Americans was travelling on a bus tour through France and were in the Loire Valley quite near to the town of Sancerre. They stopped at the nearby village of Chavignol and visited a cheese farm where the world famous 'Crottin de Chavignol' goat's cheese is made; their guide, who was the farmer's wife, led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how goat's milk was used.

Madame showed the group a picturesque hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.  Madame then asked, turning to the group, 'What do you do in the USA with your old goats that aren't producing?'

One spry and very quick elderly gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours.'

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Top Ten Quotes Suitable For A Retirement Speech

Will and Guy offer these quotations as being suitable for inclusion in a retirement speech.

  1. When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference. - Virginia Graham
  2. The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman
  3. The company accountant is shy and retiring.  He's shy a quarter of a million dollars.  That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle
  4. The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
  5. Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television. - Author Unknown
  6. There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half
  7. The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.- Author Unknown
  8. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff
  9. Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret
  10. It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Scott Elledge.

A Poem For Your Farewell Speech

An Ode to Old Age

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's Vapour Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

Farewell Speech Advice

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The basic idea is to convey the significance of the retirement milestone with a humour and an eloquence that suits the occasion.

Firstly welcome everyone to the function; especially the most senior members of the organization. Tell the assembled company something about yourself which will introduce you to the guests who do not know you particularly well.

Compliment the ceremony itself and perhaps comment on the food or decor.  Inject some humour by relating events in the planning of the retirement party that you found funny.

Talk about the retiree fondly and amusingly and anecdotally.  Have a couple of stories that are perhaps touching or amusing.  Be sure not embarrass anyone.  Talk about their achievements and your special relationship.  Talk about some of the standout moments in their career, make sure the star of the event is conveyed as an unforgettable individual.

Farewell Speech Check List

  • Make sure your speech will appeal to a wide range of staff, and doesn't offend any guests.
  • Does your speech include a few jokes yet remaining charming?
  • Have you included thanks to everyone involved?
  • Consider writing down key points on cards.  Even if you never use them they will give you confidence that you won't dry up.
  • Remember to finish your oration by toasting the retiree.

 

Footnotes:
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Article by: Guy Thomas

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