Clean Religious Jokes. Christian Joke

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Will and Guy's Clean Religious Jokes

We thought long and hard before creating this bumper page of Religious Jokes. Three things swayed us towards publishing, firstly, these are clean religious jokes, secondly why should the devil have all the best jokes? Thirdly, what tipped the balances was when a practicing clergyman sent in jokes that he had given his blessing.

'Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.' HL Mencken

Church News

We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications. Here is a snippet from the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury. Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.

New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet. All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.

Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.

Church Service with a Difference

Seen on the notice board of a church:
Try heeling our services. (Try our healing services?)

Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.'
'Well, thank you, 'the preacher replied, 'but why?'
'Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'

Funny Church Announcements

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.

For those of you who have children - and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Incredible Service
Young Jonathan was visiting a church for the first time. He checked all the announcements, posters and pictures along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby verger, 'Who are all those men in the pictures?'

Dumbfounded, the Jonathan asked, 'Was that the morning service or the evening service?'

Vicars Ride Again Cyclist Funny story - Vicar on a bike

A narrow escape
The Reverend Douglas Johnston was not the best of drivers. One Sunday he was driving home from church when unfortunately, he had a minor bump with cyclist. The poor man was knocked off his bike into the ditch. The Vicar naturally stopped his car, got out and profusely apologised and gave the cyclist his calling card saying that if he could ever be of help, then the man should not hesitate to ask.

As the man rode home he looked at the card which said, 'The Reverend Douglas Johnston is sorry he missed you today.'

Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy

This story is allegedly true:
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, 'If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.'

The boy replied, 'I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office.'

Charity begins at home?

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

Out of the Mouths of Children

The Hand of God
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother commented,
'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'
'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'

This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand.'

Bible Study
Jeremy, my friend's little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, 'Nothing.'
So I asked him, 'Didn't you study Jesus?'
Jeremy's reply was, 'No, he wasn't even there.'

Adam revealed
Four-year-old Robert opened the big bible which had been in his family for years. Absolutely fascinated, he flicked through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the bible. Robert picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old dry leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mum, look what I've found', the boy called out.' What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think I've found Adam's underwear!'

Bumper selection of funny but clean religious jokes

The Lord's Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'
So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

Know your Ten Commandments
Henry, who was very elderly, was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat.'

What religion are you?
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'

New twist on Lot's tale
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.'

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:
1) Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:

'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

Martin takes the bait?

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual so she asked him if anything was wrong.

Martin replied no, that he had been going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

Martin replied, 'Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us.'

Clean Religious Jokes

Will and Guy's Clean Religious Jokes

Church News

Church Service with a Difference

Funny Church Announcements

Vicars Ride Again

Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy

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Charity begins at home?

Out of the Mouths of Children

Bumper selection of funny but clean religious jokes

Martin takes the bait?

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