Valentine's Day Jokes - 14th February

Will and Guy's Valentine's Day Jokes

Valentine's Jokes

• Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
• Be My Valentine
• Love is Blind?
• After Valentine's day - What becomes of the broken hearted?
• Don't make a fuss about Valentine's Day

Question and Answer Valentine Jokes

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I'm stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed', guess who' ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

More Valentine's Day Jokes

Be My Valentine

On their first date, Jim and Danielle sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'

How long have you been married?

When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.

'The first ten years are the hardest.'

'How long have you been married?' she asked.

'Ten years', he replied.

Love is Blind?

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.' 

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.' 

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

Don't make a fuss about Valentine's Day

Background

My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous years but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here’s my list – see what you think:

• Brand new mop and bucket.
  I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.
• Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant.
  I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.
• Chocolates left-over from last year’s candy box.
  I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.
• Midnight moped ride through the park.
  I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
• Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favourites this -
  I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
• 45 second back massage.
  I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
• Windows Vista
  I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

P.S. Please send us your favourite Valentine's Day jokes.

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