Funny Test for Drunks
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, 'Where do you live?'
'Nowhere,' the first drunk slurs.
'And where do you live?' he asks the other.
In 1814, Meux's Horse Shoe Brewery in London constructed a brewing vat that was 22 feet tall and 60 feet in diameter, with an interior big enough to seat 200 for dinner; which is exactly how its completion was celebrated. After the dinner, the vat was filled to its 4,000-barrel capacity. Pretty impressive, given the grand scale of the project, but pretty unfortunate given that they overlooked a faulty supporting hoop. Indeed, the vat ruptured, causing other vats to break, and the resulting commotion was heard up to 5 miles away.
A wall of 1.3 million gallons of dark beer washed down the street, caving in two buildings and killing nine people by means of "drowning, injury, poisoning by the porter fumes, or drunkenness."
This story gets even more unbelievable, Will and Guy have discovered. Rescue attempts were blocked and delayed by the thousands who flocked to the area to drink directly off the road. When survivors were finally brought to the hospital, the other patients became convinced from the smell that the hospital was serving beer to every ward except theirs. A riot broke out, and even more people were left injured.
Fact, once more, is funnier than fiction.
Admiral Edward Russell's Booze Up
The record for history's largest cocktail party, that Will and Guy can find, took place in 1694, when Edward Russell threw an naval officer's party that employed a garden's fountain as the punch bowl.
How was the concoction created, you may well ask? A mixture that included 250 gallons of brandy, 125 gallons of Malaga wine, 1,400 pounds of sugar, 2,500 lemons, 20 gallons of lime juice, and 5 pounds of nutmeg.
A series of bartenders actually paddled around in a small wooden canoe, filling up guests' cups. Not only that, but they had to work in 15-minute shifts to avoid being overcome by the fumes and falling overboard. The party continued nonstop for a full week, pausing only briefly during rainstorms to erect a silk canopy over the punch to keep it from getting watered down. In fact, the festivities didn't end until the fountain had been drunk completely dry.
Admiral, Lord Nelson see also Trafalgar Day
In 1805, British Admiral, Horatio Nelson was killed during the Battle of Trafalgar off the coast of Spain. Most sailors were simply put to rest at sea, but as an admiral, Nelson had to be brought back to England for an official burial. To preserve his body during the voyage home, the second-in-command stored Nelson's body in the ship's vat of rum and halted all liquor rations to the crew. Not a bad idea, but when the ship reached port, officials went to retrieve Nelson's body and found the vat dry.
Disregarding good taste [in every sense], the crew had, allegedly, been secretly drinking from it the entire way home. After that, naval rum was referred to as "Nelson's Blood".
Driven to Drink?
Seamus and Girvan were sitting in a bar talking and supping their pints.
"So how's everything at home?" Seamus asked Girvan. "How are the wife and kids?"
"I love my kids," Girvan replied. "And I love my wife too, but I tell you, sometimes she drives me to drink!"
"Really?" asked Seamus.
"That's right," replied Girvan.
"You're lucky," Seamus commented. "My own wife makes me walk!"
You can forget your alphabet: as shown in this newspaper cutting
Alcohol Can Cause You To Lose Your Sense Of Humour
Apparently problem drinkers have trouble understanding jokes and they don't always find them funny, Will and Guy have recently discovered in their online research.
Details of research, published in a recent issue of "Addiction", describes a study of 29 alcoholic patients in a clinic in Bochum, Germany, who took a range of tests to measure their mood, intellectual ability, memory and psychomotor skills, and capacity to appreciate jokes. A further task tested their ability to predict and understand other people's behaviour on the basis of their mental states ["mentalizing ability"]. The results were matched against those of 29 healthy controls.
For the humour processing test, subjects were given alternative punch lines for jokes, some more coherent and logical than others, and asked to choose the most appropriate.
The performance of the two groups differed markedly, with less than 68% of the alcoholic patients choosing the correct punch lines, against 92% of the healthy controls.
Alcoholics also fared less well in the working memory tests and the mentalizing ability tests, prompting speculation that deficits in these areas can impact upon a problem drinker's capacity to understand jokes and find them funny. Some people would take the view that research was not required to establish these facts - we may tend to agree.
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