Funny Supermarket Stories

Funny Supermarket StoriesWill and Guy's Collection of Funny Supermarket Stories

We hope that thinking about these stories will make your next trip to Wal-Mart, Asda or Tesco a little more fun.

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Shown-up in the Supermarket

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello'.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children' Blonde Supermarket Joke

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

(Names have been changed to protect our friends).

See more 'Man Jokes'

Another Tale from the Supermarket

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl.  As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, 'No'. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, 'Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset.........we'll soon be out of here.'

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry.  The mother said gently, 'There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out' .

When they got to the conveyer belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout.  Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets.  The mother, calmed her saying, 'Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.'

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.

'I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,' Cedric said. Stories for Children

The mother turned and replied, 'Oh, no, I'm Cindy.  My little girl's name is Dorothy.

Funny Supermarket Story

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket.  Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails. 

  1. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store. 
  2. Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me?  I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere.  Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
  3. The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
  4. You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.'

See 'Black Friday' humor.

Junie's Funny Supermarket Story

I went to Asda on a whim, to buy some eye-shadow and eye pencils.  On my way out, I noticed a display of camping equipment, for families.  There were tents (grey) and matching fold up chairs. "I need one of those chairs", I thought. Funny Supermarket Story

The display was like a garden, with artificial lawn, raised up about 10 inches off the ground, with a small wooden garden fence, and so I climbed over it, crossed the "grass" and sat on a chair, to see if it was LOW enough for my short legs.  Then I calmly got up, crossed the "grass", climbed back down and went inside to look for one of the chairs. I could not find them, but decided to leave it for another day anyway.

I started to leave, but a tall red haired young woman suddenly stopped me and said:  "WERE YOU THE WOMAN WHO JUST GOT UP OUT OF THAT CHAIR?" and I said YES.  And she said:

"YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH!!!" She had seen me sitting there, and suddenly I stood up.

(She thought I was part of the display, and there was a family of "dummies" - very pasty-faced mum, dad and child/children part of the display).

I said: "WELL I KNOW I AM A DUMMY - BUT I'M NOT THAT PALE!! " and we had hysterics. She must have thought it was part of the "act".  Like those "human sculptures" they have in cities all over the world.

Footnote:
Story kindly sent in by June M Faulding.

The Old Lady At the Supermarket Story

An old lady with a shopping trolley packed to the gunnels is waiting patiently in the checkout queue.  To pass the time she engaged the man behind her in conversation.  Grumpy old men

'Please could you help me load my groceries on to the belt?'  She asks him.  The young man was pleased to assist the woman.  'May ask what's your name' she said'.  He told her was called Brett.

Then the old lady cracked up and began crying.  'Not only are you the spitting image of my son who was killed in Iraq', she blubbered, 'But also you are called Brett - the same as him.'   Eventually the little old lady pulled herself together, and between the two of them, they put all her items on the belt and through the checkout.  She mumbled something to the check-out assistant, and shuffled off out of the store and into the sunset.

Brett was in a bit of a daze; more so after he put his half dozen items through the checkout, only to be confronted with a bill for $257.82.  When Brett queried the total with the assistant, she said that his mother whispered that he would be only too happy to pay for her groceries as well.

Senior in the Supermarket

There was a bit of confusion at Wal-Mart this morning.  When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, 'Strip down facing me.'

Making a mental note to complain to my senator about excessive security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Funny Supermarket Story

My new friend, Lorna, was the person in front of me at the Tesco Extra supermarket checkout counter in North Harbour, Portsmouth. Having forgotten her credit card, Lorna had written out a cheque for her purchases and was waiting for the cashier to complete the transaction.

The cashier was a fine looking young man named Richard, [according to his name badge] and instead of dealing with Lorna promptly cited 'company policy' - he asked Lorna for proof of identity.

Lorna was flabbergasted and looked totally astounded.  Eventually she managed to squeak, 'But Richard, I'm your mother.'

How to Get to Your Local Supermarket

...(videVfl2)

While waiting for my wife, Paula, at the checkout at Waitrose supermarket in Marmion Road, Southsea, I noticed that someone had left behind a broom.

When no one came back in looking for it, I nipped outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their car and hurried over.

'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave a broom inside?'
'No,' she replied quickly and with a winning smile, 'we came by car.'

Supermarket Check Out Tale

Jenny, a pretty young woman rushed into a Tesco supermarket to pick up a snack for her evening meal.  Item in hand, Jenny stood in the express line where the check-out assistant was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, stared at Jenny for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad!"

Husband Down

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket.  The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks June.
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry
on shopping. Husband jokes

A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'

Eddie never knew what hit him.

The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'

 

Footnote:
Please send us your funny supermarket jokes and stories.

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