Funny Supermarket Stories

Will and Guy's Collection of Funny Supermarket Stories

• Shown-up in the Supermarket
• Another tale from the Supermarket
• How to find your wife in the busiest supermarket
• The Old Lady at the Supermarket Story
• Funny Supermarket Story

Shown-up in the Supermarket

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello' .

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport?  Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

Names have been changed to protect our friends.

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Another tale from the Supermarket

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl.  As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, 'No' . The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, 'Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don't be upset………we'll soon be out of here.'

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn't have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, 'There, there, Cindy, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the check out' .

When they got to the conveyer belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout.  Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets.  The mother, calmed her saying, 'Cindy, we'll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.'

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.

'I couldn't help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,' Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, 'Oh, no, I'm Cindy. My little girl's name is Dorothy.

Funny Supermarket Story

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket.  Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails. 

1. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store. 
2. Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me?  I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere.  Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
3. The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'
4. You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.'

The Old Lady at the Supermarket Story

An old lady with a shopping trolley packed to the gunnels is waiting patiently in the checkout queue.  To pass the time she engaged the man behind her in conversation. 

'Please could you help me load my groceries on to the belt?'  She asks him.  The young man was pleased to assist the woman.  'May ask what's your name' she said'.  He told her was called Brett.

Then the old lady cracked up and began crying.  'Not only are you the spitting image of my son who was killed in Iraq', she blubbered, 'But also you are called Brett - the same as him.'   Eventually the little old lady pulled herself together, and between the two of them, they put all her items on the belt and through the checkout.  She mumbled something to the check-out assistant, and shuffled off out of the store and into the sunset.

Brett was in a bit of a daze; more so after he put his half dozen items through the checkout, only to be confronted with a bill for $257.82.  When Brett queried the total with the assistant, she said that his mother whispered that he would be only too happy to pay for her groceries as well.

Funny Supermarket Story

My new friend, Lorna, was the person in front of me at the Tesco Extra supermarket checkout counter in North Harbour, Portsmouth. Having forgotten her credit card, Lorna had written out a cheque for her purchases and was waiting for the cashier to complete the transaction.

The cashier was a fine looking young man named Richard, [according to his name badge] and instead of dealing with Lorna promptly cited 'company policy' – he asked Lorna for proof of identity.

Lorna was flabbergasted and looked totally astounded. Eventually she managed to squeak, 'But Richard, I'm your mother.'

How to Get to Your Local Supermarket

While waiting for my wife, Paula, at the checkout at Waitrose supermarket in Marmion Road, Southsea, I noticed that someone had left behind a broom.

When no one came back in looking for it, I nipped outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their car and hurried over.

'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave a broom inside?'
'No,' she replied quickly and with a winning smile, 'we came by car.'

Footnote:
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