Round Like a Shot

Will and Guy's True Stories

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Round Like a Shot

Round like a shot... Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. 'Hello', I said, 'I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.  You don't have to hurry now, because I've shot them.' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: 'I thought you said you'd shot them.' To which I replied: 'I thought you said there was no one available.'

Article by Tony GladstoneWill and Guy's Stories - Police funny and true stories

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English, Canadian, American and Scottish Policemen

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Constable, a Canadian Mountie, an American Sherriff and a Scottish beat officer?

Situation:
You're on patrol duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

Here are the different answers from the 4 international police forces

English Police Constable:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

8) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

9) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

10) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

11) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

12) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Mountie:

BANG !

American Sherriff:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Beat Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer jacksie!"

Police Equivalent of 'Back of the Bike Shed'

Police equivalent of back of the bike shed

What puzzles Will and Guy about these six Russian policemen is that they are right under a security camera.

Robin Hood: 'Men in Tights' - Round Like a shot Robin Hood Lookalikes

Will and Guy never cease to be amazed at the different ways that people find to do strange and funny things. Recently, in Nottingham, UK, the world record for getting dressed up as Robin Hood has been smashed in Nottingham by a group of enthusiasts.

Over a thousand volunteers led by the modern-day Sheriff of Nottingham, gathered at the city's castle to try and pass the previous total of 607.

Participants had to meet minimum costume requirements of a hat with a feather, a green or brown tunic and trousers and leather footwear, many also wore tights.

The official count, taken at noon, put the total at 1,119. The Sheriff, in mythology and legend, Robin's sworn enemy, wore a costume specially designed and made by Nottingham City Council's Children's Services costume department. Prizes were awarded in a number of age categories and a medieval band kept people entertained.

The Robin Hood memorial statue in NottinghamRobin Hood Statue Nottingham

Will and Guy have unearthed a funny and perhaps rather a silly Robin Hood joke from early 13th Century England; we would like to share it with you.

The scene is set in a field just outside the city of Nottingham and close to Sherwood Forest. Hundreds of people have turned up to see their folk heroes perform in the annual archery competition which is attended by the Sheriff and the King of England.

The first archer lines up wearing a scarf which hides his face. People chatter as they wonder who this man might be. Taking a deep breath the archer fires his arrow which finds the centre of the target, the gold. He removes his face covering and shouts, 'I am Robin Hood.' The crowd is delirious and they cheer wildly.

Another contestant, a second archer also with his face hidden by a scarf takes up a firing position. He fires his arrow which also hits the bull and slices Robin Hood's arrow into two! He takes off his scarf and bellows, 'I am William Tell.' Once more the crowd cheer madly'

A third man, also with his face hidden from view, takes up a firing position and fires his arrow but the arrow flies off at an acute angle. It arrows past the crowd and strikes King John* in the heart, killing him. This man also removes his face covering and yells at the top of his voice, 'I'm very sorry!'

*King John, who died in 1216 was Robin Hood's sworn enemy.

 Police Complaint Letters

This series of 3 letters were sent to Will and Guy for publication on our site.

They are allegedly a genuine complaint to Devon and Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. We find them amusing, clever and funny and they reflect views held by some, but not all people in the UK.

 ф

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments [I think you call them youths] in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this: after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year [probably bath night] when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sirs, your obedient servant,

********


Dear Mr********

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details eg.- address / telephone number and when may be suitable.

Regards,

PC 49
Community Beat Officer


Dear PC 49,

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain [using words of no more than two syllables at a time] to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on: **************. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards,

********
P.S. If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department with whom I am also in contact.

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