Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi
Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda
asks why he doesn't include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks,
'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously
over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about
anyone else on the course?'
particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth
hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
As he was
walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him
and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes
'Yes', Robert answered
'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of
bounds and completely off the golf course?'
'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.
'Well', said the
policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed
through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed
into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close
my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'
Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have any open tee
times around 10 o'clock? Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15. Caller:
What's the next time after that? Staff: We have one at 10:22. Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient
Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for
Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough
shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance
it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should
not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed
not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a
scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would
have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g) There shall be no such thing as a lost
ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found
and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not
to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h) If a putt passes over a hole without
dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the
Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that
they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more
than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the
Rule 6.a.9(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out
of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land,
this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z) There is no penalty for a ball in a
water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be
penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores
can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially
impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be
subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
course. Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy:
"Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction. Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a
Golfer: How do you like my game? Caddy: Very good
sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old. Caddy:
It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Ode to Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, And Rather Small. Oh
How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its
Size I Could Not Guess, Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But
Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since I Chose To Play This Stupid
Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me
Spend. It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And
Want To Die. It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight
And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With
Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then
Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's
Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And
Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back