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Will and Guy's Cricket Stories

England Ashes Tour - Cricket Team in Trouble England Cricket Whitewash in Australia

Following the intense interest both in the UK and Australia in the 2007 Cricket Ashes series we, the Poms in this case, have only our sense of humour left after the miserable showing of the England team. Reports are coming in of police arrests in Australia relating to the current Ashes series.

Eleven men have been arrested in Sydney on a range of charges including impersonating a cricket team, loitering and receiving money under false pretences.

They are likely to be extradited and face charges in England in relation to the 2005 theft of the Ashes and a number of Queen's Honours. In one case, a man played just 5 days cricket and scored only 17 runs before absconding with an MBE. Police will also interview the suspects in relation to a joyride in stolen open-topped buses.

The group's activities have been closely monitored since they arrived in Australia some weeks ago. Initially the suspects were difficult to identify as they arrived in Australia with the apparent bona fides to qualify as a quality cricket team. However it became obvious to observers that all was not as it seemed during the first warm-up match.

Further suspect behaviour was observed in Brisbane, culminating in a series of criminal acts on the 5th day at Adelaide, including reckless batting, pedestrian bowling and unimaginative captaincy. Police allowed the group to operate while further evidence was gathered in Perth, Melbourne and Sydney. England Cricket in trouble

Interpol have been asked to assist in locating the ringleader who has seemingly disappeared. He may be using the name Fletcher and is believed to be heading to South Africa to prey upon unsuspecting cricketers who have some ancestral links to England. Parents are warned not to sign contracts and young cricketers should refrain from accepting money or other incentives.

In an incident related to the 2005 Ashes theft, a crystal replica of the Ashes was presented to the Australian cricket team today. The actual trophy is being withheld by a shadowy group called the MCC who believe they own cricket. Two undercover operatives known only as Beefy and Branson are working to return the urn to its rightful owners Australia.

England have agreed to become the first carbon neutral cricket team. They are going to finish all their matches before the flood lights are switched on.

Poor Little Billy

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their Father’s did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry, etc. etc. but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his Father.

'My Father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of the other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him'.

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask if that was really true. 'No' said Billy ' e plays CRICKET for ENGLAND’ but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

The definition of Cricket as explained to an American:

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Cricket Heaven?

Michael Vaughan and Andrew [Freddie] Flintoff, now elderly, 85 and 82 years old, are sitting on a park bench outside Lord's cricket ground feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, past Ashes series, and tours like they do every day.

Flintoff thinks about it for a minute and replies, 'I dunno. But let's make an agreement: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.' They shake hands on it. Sadly, a few months later, poor Freddie passes on.

One day soon afterward, Vaughany is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, 'Michael…………….Michael'

Vaughan responds, 'Freddie, is that you?' Yes it is, Michael, 'whispers Freddie's ghost.

Vaughany, still amazed, enquires, 'So, is there cricket in heaven? 'Well, 'says Freddie, 'I've got good news and bad news.'

Ten Ducks?

Table-topping Dishforth were expected to beat bottom-placed Goldsborough in the Nidderdale Amateur Cricket League, North Yorkshire, but not quite as easily as things turned out.

Goldborough 2nd X1 came close to setting an unwanted record after ten batsmen were out for a duck. Not one of the Goldsborough players scored a single run; although they did clock up five extras.

Their opponents quickly knocked off the six runs needed for a win and the game was over. The Dishforth captain Steve Wilson, told reporters, 'If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have thought it possible.'

The Goldsborough captain Peter Horseman commented, 'It was surreal and embarrassing. We almost got a run, but the batsman turned it down because he' d just been hit on the foot.'

Amusing Cricket Story

When England travel to the Asian sub-continent to play cricket we always hear that various players contract ' Delhi-belly' or more correctly an upset stomach, possibly gastro-enteritis. Change of diet, differing hygiene, weather conditions are often sited as reasons for this malaise. February 2006 saw some five players unable to function properly on the tour in India.

This phenomenon was discussed by Peter Allen and Jane Garvey on their ' Drive' programme on BBC Radio 5 live. Alec Stewart, the ex-Surrey and England wicket keeper/batsman and captain was interviewed. He acknowledged that food in the sub-continent could be a problem for English stomachs. He recounted how he took with him on tour 43 separate portions of chicken, mashed potato and broccoli and ate little else.

If this isn't amusing enough on its own; when he arrived home in England the first meal his wife gave him......................................?

You can guess........................................yes, indeed - chicken with mashed potato and broccoli.

Suffolk Teenage Cricketer Breaks Records and Out Scores Sir Garfield Sobers and Yuvraj Singh

Many cricket lovers will remember with affection the immortal Garfield Sobers hitting 6 sixes in an over; younger watchers may have seen Yuvraj Singh achieve the same feat. Not many people were able to witness Jamie Lee hitting 11 sixes in 12 balls.

Jamie Lee, 18, normally plays for Mildenhall Cricket Club's First Xl but was playing for the Second Xl because of a shoulder injury; he is, in fact, known as a bowler which, say Will and Guy, makes the story all the more remarkable.

‘Luckily, my shoulder injury didn't affect my batting,’ the teenager from Suffolk, England, cricketer told us with a broad smile. In the first over, Jamie thrashed all six deliveries from a spin bowler over the boundary. In the next over, Jamie, again, faced a spin bowler: this time he swung at the first ball - and missed; however, he middled the next five, chalking up 66 runs in just 12 balls. Incredible.

Jamie, who scored a further five sixes in his 132 not out, commented, ‘I smashed most of the sixes straight over the bowler's head. It was a brilliant feeling. There were some polite claps when I got my first six and then the excitement mounted. People were cheering on the boundary and when I got my sixth six in a row, they just went mental.’

Not surprisingly his batting led Mildenhall to a swift victory: they beat the 208 runs knocked up by Walsham-le-Willows in a mere 13 overs – absolutely incredible.

Cricket Stories

Will and Guy's Cricket Stories

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England Ashes Tour - Cricket Team in Trouble

Poor Little Billy

The definition of Cricket as explained to an American:

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Cricket Heaven?

Ten Ducks?

Amusing Cricket Story

Suffolk Teenage Cricketer Breaks Records and Out Scores Sir Garfield Sobers and Yuvraj Singh

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