Will and Guy's Funny Golfing Jokes and Quotes
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
I'll always remember t
he day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the
clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated
than that - Gardner Dickinson
I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm
having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new
people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
I'd like to
see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the
rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
Golf! You hit
down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The
lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
Golf is a game
whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons
singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill
Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi
particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth
hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
As he was
walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him
and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes
'Yes', Robert answered
'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of
bounds and completely off the golf course?'
'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.
'Well', said the
policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed
through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed
into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close
my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it!
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is
actually the beginning of the next group of three.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his
ideas about the golf swing.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably
Golf balls are like eggs; they're white, and they're sold by the
dozen. Also you need to buy fresh ones each week.
Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind
during your swing.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt: for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut
Rules of Golf. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look
down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching
the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Hazards attract, fairways repel.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six
or a seven, the probably shot an eight.
More Golfing Quotations
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. -
Ben Hogan The difference in golf and government is that in golf
you can't improve your lie. -
George Deukmejian Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. -
William Wordsworth You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my
ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands
Golf is played by twenty million mature
American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop
Mr Angry - Golfing Tale
A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'
'That would be too much of a
coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.
Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
"Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a
compass. Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good
sir, but personally, I prefer golf. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago. Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
It's been a long time since we teed off, sir. Golf Handicap
Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club's annual dance he
attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting
'You know,' smarmed Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me. What do you
think my handicap is?'
'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?' Came her quick
Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday too.
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us.
Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6.
I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
The Front Nine
Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your
foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. Grantland Rice
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to
count past five. John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the
world is when one is playing golf. Robert Lynd
If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the
game of golf would be played far better than it is. Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is
more complicated than that. Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they
do a golf club, they'd starve to death. Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. William
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it
ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going
back to pick it up. Tommy Bolt
The Back Nine - Funny Golf Quotes
Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. Bishop Sheen
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
they'd come up sliced. Arnold Palmer
My handicap? Woods and irons. Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a
flag stick on top. Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time
getting out of them! Buddy Hackett
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while
they are still rolling. Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. Harry
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
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