Texas Independence Day Jokes
On March 2, 1836 Texas declared independence from Mexico and thus declared itself a Republic.
The Unanimous Declaration of Independence made by the Delegates of the People of Texas in General Convention at the town of Washington-on-the-Brazos on the 2nd day of March 1836.
The Battle of The Alamo
The siege started on February 23rd and on March 6th the final battle took place in which Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and William B Travis were killed along with over 200 Texan volunteers. Unfortunately, they died never knowing that Texas had been declared a Republic four days earlier.
What's The Difference Between a 'Yankee' Zoo and a Texas Zoo?
What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?
On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.
Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.
Father O'Flaherty rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Bush. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Flaherty at St. Brigit's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant G. Bush, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites.'
Father O'Flaherty replied, 'Aye, tis certainly true, .....but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
Only in Texas
Where other than Texas do people prize their cattle more than their cars? Don't answer that Scotland!
A Texas State trooper pulled over an old dusty pickup driven by a cowhand from a nearby ranch as he headed east on I-10.
The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
The cowboy replied, 'Bout' whut?'
Kyle Married a Girl from Texas
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
Martin had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.
Martin said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Audie had married a woman from South Carolina. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking.
Audie told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man, Kyle, had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed and this was all her responsibility.
Kyle responded that the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye.
A Texan Anniversary Remembered
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Fort Worth café, four elderly Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, 'Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?'
'Yup, we sure are,' Roy replied. 'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?' another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th , I'm thinking 'bout going down there again to pick her up.'
A Texan farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.'
Why are The Texans like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Need a Cowboy? (Kindly sent in by Jerry Simpson)
A Texas rancher passed away leaving everything to his lovely young wife.
Needing help with the ranch she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other was a drunk and known to be very lazy. She thought about it and hired the gay guy thinking that he would be safer to have around.
Her selection proved to be a very hard worker who put in long hours and knew
a great deal about ranching.
Late that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room he
saw the woman standing next to the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand.
She called him over.
Then she said: 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off!'
'Now take my boots off,' she said.
'Now take off my skirt.' He did as told and unzipped and removed the
'Now take off my panties.' He slowly pulled them down and threw them on the floor with the rest of the clothes.
She fixed him with a very determined look and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again then I'll fired you!'
No Turkeys - But....
Early one November the turkey hunting party headed towards Meeke in Minnesota. Surprisingly, they could not find any turkeys. Never mind said, Jed, their leader we'll go back to the cabin, have breakfast then try again. I'll skip breakfast and keep on looking said Tommy Lee who had come all the way from Texas especially for the shoot.
While the others had their breakfast they heard no end of gunshot. After they finished their bacon and eggs they headed in the general direction of the shooting. They were greeted by Tommy Lee, who said, 'bring a truck, I've got me 5 of them'.
'Do we really need a truck for 5 birds,' said Jed?
'Birds?' said Tommy Lee, 'I've got me 5 sheep, I wasn't going to come all this way from Texas and then go home empty handed'.
Interesting Places in Texas
Valentine, Texas (Popular on February 14th)
Turkey, Texas (Famous at Thanksgiving)
Three building contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the security guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, 'Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, 'Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, 'Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, '$2,700.'
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.'
Texas Independence Day March 2nd - Reminder
Independence is declared; it must be maintained.
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