It would be a shame if 'Political correctness'
prevented people telling the best of 'Irish Jokes'.
Apparently there is something deep in the human psyche about telling such 'Irish'
culture tells similar stories, they just change the names. For example in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerry men for Irish. And in County Kerry they would substitute 'West
Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a
headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest
'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the
two of them in one grave.
'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the
neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat
disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and
storms off downstairs.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later
and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'
with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's
see how they like it.'
Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from
"Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had
Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is
watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'. Then he
allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is
still standing on the sidewalk.
After the cop has shouted
'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is
it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked
President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al
Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub
in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me
went and died.'
Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and
retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous
Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television
Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing
a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his
friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not
guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to
keep the money?'
'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have
fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was
immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the
day off, does it?'
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
What set's Irish jokes apart is their special logic. Indeed, it is this
ability to use words with multiple meanings that is the essence of jokes.
Here are three examples of playing with phrases which have more than one
Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were
winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'
'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy,' don't do that, we'll fall out.'
'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'
Dave and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a
sign in a shop window:
Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.
Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go
into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'
They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00,
100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'
Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'
Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?' The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'
Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'. O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'. Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.
The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? ' This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.' Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?' The man opines, 'I
mean I do, but only after I die.'
The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.' The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'
These short jokes capture the best of Irish humour. They are even funnier
if you read them out loud, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick
'Ah, good morning, Mrs Irwin, and how is everything?' 'Sure and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the
fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.'
'Shay, do you understand French,?' 'To be sure, I
do if it's spoken in Irish.'
'The baby is just like his father,' said Pauline
McDonald, 'but at least he's got his health.'
Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree
fellers" wanted. Murphy said to Pat, said, 'If only Seamus had been
with us we'd have got that job.' (One of those Irish Jokes better
told than written).
'I'd like some nails,' Michael requested of the
travelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Michael.
'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking
and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary 'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary. 'Well,
there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.
'There's a terrible smell in this café,' said O'Hara.
'Maybe it's the drains.' 'It can't be the drains,' retorted
O'Hara, 'we haven't got any.'
'I'll have fish and chips twice,' announced O'Driscoll.
'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.' 'Then
they'd better be fat,' suggested O'Driscoll.
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already
Kearney and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went
for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last week.
They sat down
on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard voices coming from a
secluded spot. Immediately Mrs Kearney realised that a young man was about
to propose to his beloved.
Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an
intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 'Whistle and let
that young couple know that someone can hear them.'
replied, 'Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn