Best Irish Jokes for Saint Patrick's Day

Best Saint Patrick's Day Jokes Best Irish Jokes

It would be a shame if 'Political correctness' prevented people telling the best of 'Irish Jokes'.

Apparently there is something deep in the human psyche about telling such 'Irish' jokes.  Every culture tells similar stories, they just change the names.  For example in Ireland itself, they may retell the jokes substituting Kerry men for Irish.  And in County Kerry they would substitute 'West Kerry men' for Irish.

Will and Guy's Best Irish Jokes

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10 of the Best Short, Funny and Hilarious Irish Jokes To Be Sure:

  1. Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

    'Faith now,' exclaims Reilly, 'I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
  2. 'O'Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour's dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O'Toole explodes, 'Botheration and that!' and storms off downstairs.

    He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, 'What did you do, O'Toole?'

    O'Toole replies with a wide grin, 'I've put the dog in our garden so I did, now let's see how they like it.' Best Irish Jokes
  3. Donncha is shocked at finding out all his cows are suffering from "Bluetongue." 'Bejabbers,' Donncha murmurs, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones.'
  4. Gallagher is in Boston and he is waiting patiently, also, he is watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

    The cop stops the flow of traffic and shouts, 'Okay pedestrians'.  Then he allows the traffic to pass. He did this several times, and Gallagher is still standing on the sidewalk.

    After the cop has shouted 'Pedestrians' for the tenth time, Gallagher approaches him and says, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
  5. 'Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?' asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
    'Do we now?' came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
  6. Finnegan sells Michael a donkey, some weeks later they met in a pub in Killarney and Michael says, 'Hey, Finnegan, that donkey you sold me went and died.'

    Finnegan just sips his Guinness slowly and retorts, 'Bejabbers, Michael, it never done that on me.'
  7. Murphy lost a hundred dollars on the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horserace. He also lost another hundred on the television replay.
  8. Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

    'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
  9. O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
    After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
    'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
  10. 'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'

See more clean hilarious jokes.

Digging a Hole

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. Digging a hole joke

'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'

'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole.  Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

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The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

How Many Ducks? - Funny Irish Logic

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his backWill and Guy's Irish Jokes

'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy

'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy

'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'

'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.

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The Defining Quality of the Best Irish Jokes

What set's Irish jokes apart is their special logic.  Indeed, it is this ability to use words with multiple meanings that is the essence of jokes.  Here are three examples of playing with phrases which have more than one meaning.

Irishmen Flying HighWill and Guy's Sham Rock Irish story

Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'

'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy,' don't do that, we'll fall out.'

'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'

Classic Irish Joke

Dave and Peter, two English men, are walking along O'Connell Street, in Dublin, when they see a sign in a shop window:

Suits £15.00, shirts £2.00, trousers £2.50.

Peter says to Dave, 'Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and, when we get back to England we could make a fortune. When we go into the shop don't say anything, let me do all the talking, because if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I'll speak in my best Irish accent.'

They go in and Peter orders, 50 suits at £15.00, 100 shirts at £2.00 and 50 trousers at £2.50 The owner of the shop says, 'You're English aren't you?'

Peter replies 'Oh bother... Yes, how on earth did you know that?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners...'

Father O'Connor - Irish Tale from Cork

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Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'

Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.

The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'

The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'

10 More of Will and Guy's Best Irish JokesIrish Blessings

These short jokes capture the best of Irish humour.  They are even funnier if you read them out loud, or better still, tell them to friend in a thick Irish brogue.

  1. 'Ah, good morning, Mrs Irwin, and how is everything?'
    'Sure and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the fire.  If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.'
  2. 'Shay, do you understand French,?'
    'To be sure, I do if it's spoken in Irish.'
  3. 'The baby is just like his father,' said Pauline McDonald, 'but at least he's got his health.'
  4. Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying "Tree fellers" wanted.
    Murphy said to Pat, said, 'If only Seamus had been with us we'd have got that job.'
    (One of those Irish Jokes better told than written).
  5. 'I'd like some nails,' Michael requested of the travelling tinker.
    'How long would you like them?' asked the man.
    'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Michael.
  6. 'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary
    'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
    'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
    'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.
  7. 'There's a terrible smell in this café,' said O'Hara.
    'Maybe it's the drains.'
    'It can't be the drains,' retorted O'Hara, 'we haven't got any.'
  8. 'I'll have fish and chips twice,' announced O'Driscoll.
    'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'
    'Then they'd better be fat,' suggested O'Driscoll.
  9. 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one.'
  10. Kearney and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in Phoenix Park, Dublin, last week.

    They sat down on a bench to rest. It was then they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Immediately Mrs Kearney realised that a young man was about to propose to his beloved.

    Not wishing to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, 'Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.'

    Kearney replied, 'Whistle? Why should I whistle?  Nobody whistled to warn me.'

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