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Rosh Hashanah Jokes and Funny Stories

Rosh Hashanah Jokes For the Jewish New Year Rosh Hashanah Jokes

The President of the congregation went to visit Rabbi Ben Azzai, who is in the Tel Aviv hospital having just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, 'Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery.'

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Clean and Funny Jokes for Rosh Hashanah

Reluctant to Attend the Synagogue

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rivka [Rebecca] went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the synagogue [Shul], to which he replied in a dull voice, 'I'm not going.'

'Why not?' Rivka demanded.

'l'll give you two good reasons Mother,' he said. 'One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.'

Rivaka replied in an exasperated voice, 'I'll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. 'One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi.'

Problem at The Shul (Synagogue)

Rick wanted to get into the Shul [synagogue] In Gants Hill, London on Rosh Hashanah, but without a ticket they don't let you in.

Rick pleads, 'Look, I just want to give a message to Morris in there.'

The man at the door says, 'Sorry sir, you've got to have a ticket.'
Rick replies, 'Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out.'

'Alright,' says the man at the door, 'but I better not catch you praying.'

The Chauffeur

Ron, a Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family who employed him treated him.

'You wouldn't believe it,' he bragged. 'I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits. I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah.'

'That sounds pretty good,' said Dave, a friend. 'But what's Rosh Hashanah?'Yom Kippur Funny Stories

''Oh, that's when they blow the shofar*,' answers Ron.

'What?' spluttered Dave, 'You call that a benefit.'

*A shofar is a horn which is mentioned in the Hebrew Bible and is used at Jewish festivals, for example Rosh ha-Shanah memorial of blowing; Leviticus 23:3.

See more clean but funny Jewish jokes.

Funny How One Shofar Joke Reminds You of Another

Joseph, a deeply religious man, went to temple one Sabbath and forgot his prayer shawl [Tallit], so he borrowed one from "the rack" at the temple.

At the end of the service, he realised that he really liked this Tallit so much so that he actually decided to stuff it down the front of his trousers and take it home.

After the service when he was walking through the reception line, the Rabbi Lionel stopped him and whispered, 'Joseph, I am sorry, but I saw you stuff a tallit down your pants. Why would you do this?'

Joseph, totally embarrassed and ashamed, explained the situation, whereupon Rabbi Lionel suggested he remove it from his trousers and give it back. By now, the Tallit had managed to slide half-way down his leg. While Joseph was bent over pulling the it out of his pant leg, he accidentally let out a loud fart.

Rabbi Lionel, exasperated, said, 'Joseph ... you took the Shofar, too?'

 

More Jokes for Rosh Hashanah

The Jewish Vet

Rabbi Gamliel is out walking by Canoe Lake in Southsea, England early one morning and hears shouts of distress. He sees and hears Ruth, an elderly lady and one of his flock, calling for help and wringing her hands as her small dog has jumped into the water chasing a duck, and is now trapped in weeds and drowning.

Heroically, Rabbi Gamliel wades into Canoe Lake and emerges, dripping, with the small dog.

'Oh thank you, thank you,' cries Ruth. 'Are you a vet?'

'A vet, a little vet?' responds Rabbi Gamliel, 'I am soaking.'

Pulling the Wool Over Her Eyes?

Mrs Bronstein went into Levine's Store in new York.  She called over a salesman, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, 'Hey my boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?'
'That dress is $899.95, Madam,' sneered the rather snooty salesman.
Oy vey, for $99.95 I could get the same dress at Sharon's downtown.'

'But Madam,' said the salesman, 'You'll find that the dress at Sharon's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool.'

'So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?' rejoined Mrs Bronstein smartly.

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Who Deserves The Toy

Benjamin, father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.  He called his children together to ask which one should have the present. 'I am going to give this prize to whoever is the best boy in the house.  Who never talks back to mother?  Who does everything she says?' Ben asked.

Five small voices answered in unison, 'OK, Dad, you get the toy.'

Ways of Celebrating the Special Holy Days of Rosh HashanahRosh Hashanah Food

While there are elements of joy and celebration, Rosh Hashanah is a deeply religious occasion. The customs and symbols of Rosh Hashanah reflect the holiday's dual emphasis, happiness and humility.

Rosh Hashanah, Will and Guy have been told is celebrated with sweet foods, like apples dipped in honey and honey cake, as a wish for a sweet year. Some families also celebrate with symbolic foods like the head of a fish, pomegranates, and carrots.

The head of a fish is so that we can be "like the head and not like the tail." This is a symbol of having a year in which we are on top and not the bottom. Pomegranates are symbolic of plenty. We want plenty of health and happiness for the New Year, just as many good things as there are seed in a pomegranate. Thousands say Will and Guy.

Carrots are also eaten and it isn't just to see better in the dark. For Ashkenazi Jews, carrots symbolize the Yiddish word "merren" which also means more. We want more of all the good things in life. More health, more happiness, more success. For Sephardic Jews, carrots are symbolic of the phrase "Yikaretu oyveychem" which means may your enemies be cut down. We ask that those who wish bad for us not get their wish, that they don't succeed.

Round challots [bread] are made with honey and raisins. These are another symbol of a sweet and happy year. We put decorations on the Challot, such as birds which symbolise doves of peace.

Rosh Hashanah - The Jewish New Year

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, falls on the Hebrew calendar dates of 1 and 2 Tishrei, where Tishrei is the first month of the civil Jewish year.  Since the Middle Ages Rosh Hashanah has been a two day festival, and the rules for calculating the start of the new year ensure that Rosh Hashanah can never start on a Wednesday, Friday or Sunday.

Here Are the Secular Dates for Rosh Hashanah

2010: September 9th until 10th (2 Tishrei)
2011: September 29th until 30th (2 Tishrei)
2012: September 17th until 18th (2 Tishrei)
2013: September 5th  until 6th (2 Tishrei)
2014: September 25th  until 26th (2 Tishrei)
2015: September 14th until 15th (2 Tishrei)

NB. The Jewish calendar date begins at sundown of the night beforehand, Will and Guy have learned. Thus all holiday observances begin at sundown on the secular dates listed, with the following day being the first full day of the holiday. Jewish calendar dates conclude at nightfall.

Hanukkah - A Jewish Special OccasionHappy Hanukkah

Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday celebrated for eight days and nights. It starts on the 25th of the Jewish month of Kislev, which coincides with late November - late December on the secular calendar.  See our Hanukkah jokes.

 

Footnote
Will and Guy are keen to collect more Rosh Hashanah jokes and funny stories.

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