Bank Holiday Jokes

Bank Holiday Jokes Bank Holiday Monday 30th August 2010

Here is our collection of funny stories and jokes for that most English break the Bank holiday weekend.

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Bank Holiday Funny Story - The ElevatorBank Holiday

In the week before the Bank Holiday, Alan, a poor country farmer called won £1,480,000 in the Lottery. As a treat he took his wife and their four children to see the sites of London.

They booked into the Park Lane Hilton. Having never been further than their local town, Malton in Yorkshire they were bowled over by glitz and excitement of the big city.

Alan and his son Sam were especially mesmerised by a shiny box with silver walls. They had never before met with doors that could move apart, and then automatically come back together again. Neither had seen an elevator [lift] before. Therefore, they were amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the door closed. The lights outside on the wall flashed for a minute, then the doors opened and out came a beautiful young woman.

Alan turned to his son Sam and said, 'Son, go get your mother.'

[Funny how one joke reminds you of another ...]

Bank Holiday Day Jokes If You Are Staying in a Hotel

  • Amusing Notice in Bournemouth Reception:
    The elevator is being fixed for the next day.
    During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
  • Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • Notice in the Bar:
    Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
  • Notice in the Hotel Shop:
    Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
  • Take one of our horse-driven tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
    Or, would you like to ride on your own ass?

[Funny how one cartoon reminds you of another ...]

Funny Bank Holiday Day Cartoon If You Are Staying At Home

Labor Day Cartoon

...(vr3)

More Bank Holiday Day Jokes and One-liners

  • One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.  However, the only person to get his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
  • If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
  • If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.  Doug Larson

Footnote: We are struggling to find good Bank Holiday jokes, so if you find any, please write and lest us know.  Meanwhile ....

Something Different To Chew Over on Bank Holiday Monday

Do Snack Food Preferences Affect Job Choices?  Will and Guy Explain

According to a snack food study discovered by Will and Guy: The average American will have three to five careers, 10 to 12 jobs and will hold each job for an average of 3.5 years throughout his or her lifetime. These figures we have collected from the U.S. Department of Labor.

After a positive response to his 1999 study linking snack foods to distinct personality traits, Dr. Hirsch extended his study to reveal that savoury snacks can also help determine an appropriate career. More than 18,000 adult volunteers across thirty-five occupations were surveyed to determine the correlation between their occupation and their favourite snack food.

Chip lovers are ambitious and successful: If you crave potato chips, you should be a lawyer, tennis pro, police officer, CEO; they are competitive and have high expectations, not only of themselves, but of those around them. Competitive in business, sports and social situations.

Pretzels: fire-fighter, journalist, flight attendant, veterinarian or paediatrician. Lively and energetic, those who crave pretzels seek novelty and easily become bored by routine. They make decisions based on intuition and emotion, especially in romantic relationships.

Tortilla Chips: farmer, travel agent, chef, clergy or news reader; they are perfectionists who are also humanitarians. Sticklers for punctuality, you will rarely see a tortilla eater late for an appointment.

Cheese Curls: real estate agent, psychiatrist or producer. Formal, always proper, conscientious and principled, people who crave this have a highly developed sense of integrity and maintain the moral high ground with their family, co-workers and romantic partners. They plan ahead for any possible catastrophe. With elastoplasts and batteries, the cheese curl lover's house is always stocked and ready.

Popcorn: teacher, artist, truck driver, nurse, judge or neurosurgeon. They are self-assured and confident, those who prefer popcorn are best described as "take charge sort of people." A popcorn enthusiast will not hesitate to assume extra work on the job or take on extra duties at social gatherings. Even though they are self-confident, popcorn lovers are modest and humble, and would never be considered show-offs.

»

Nuts: plumber, architect, sanitation worker, cardiologist or politician. Those who prefer nuts tend to be easygoing, empathic and understanding. When confronted with an emotionally charged situation, they can be counted on to keep calm and not join the fray, allowing time for the emotional upheaval to pass. Their even handed nature makes them well suited for dealing with the public during emergency situations. While nut aficionados may not always be leaders, it is their demeanour and assistance that allows the family or workplace to succeed.

Snack Crackers: stockbroker or professional race car driver. Snack cracker devotees tend to be contemplative and thoughtful, and base their decisions on solid reasoning instead of their emotions. They value their private time and are most creative when allowed to be alone, free from daily responsibilities and interruptions.

Meat Snacks: dentist or bartender. Those who crave a satisfying stick of beef jerky or a mouth-watering bag of pork rinds are the life of the party. Gregarious and social, meant snack lovers are at their best amidst the company of others. They are loyal and true friends who can always be trusted, and will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to please others.

Summary: Do Snack Food Preferences Affect Job Choices?

'A person's job selection reflects his essential essence and his personality,' writes Dr. Hirsch. 'Food choices, selection of clothing, movies and spouses can provide insight into personality and character structure. Thus the typical personality traits associated with savoury snack preferences can be used to help predict occupational choices, because a person's job selection also reflects his essential essence and his personality,' says Dr. Hirsch.

 ф

Five Funny, Honest, Thought-provoking and Famous Quotes About Work

  1. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?  Edgar Bergen
  2. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.  Robert Orben
  3. Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it.'  Theodore Roosevelt
  4. One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.  Bertrand Russell
  5. Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. Gustave Flaubert

Plus one more: Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?  J. Paul Getty

More Classic Bank Holiday Jokes

Unreasonable Ask?
'I'm never going to work for that man again.'
'Why, what did he say?'

'You're fired.'

The Final Payment
Roland, a businessman, is on his deathbed so he calls his friend and says, 'Eli, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.'

'And what,' Eli asks, 'do you want me to do with your ashes?'

Roland replies, 'Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'

»

The Worker
The Yorkshire, Wage and Hours Government Department claimed Mickey was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an inspector out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £250 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £5 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied old farmer John.

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