4th of July Jokes for Independence Day

July of 4th Funny StoriesIndependence Day USA: July 4th

What was general Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

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How Many States Can You Name?

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

4th of July JokesJuly of 4th Jokes

The difference between a duck and George Washington is:
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

What's red, white, blue, and almost as ugly as a dog?
A revolutionary warthog!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Back to the Roots of Our Site - More Humor  (Humour!)

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.' 

Footnote:
Good 4th of July jokes are hard to find, so if you have one, please send it to us.

Readers' Letters

Is it an urban legend that in George III's diary on July 4, 1776 he put, "Nothing much happened today."

In Arkansas Hill country, the Fourth of July is celebrated annually on the 2nd in deference to those who cannot count beyond two.

Kindly sent by Merv - ye olde hot-metal newspaper typesetter

Parable For The 4th of JulyPresidents Day Jokes

Once, in the 1820's, a little boy called Sam was playing in the yard behind his house.  During his pretend fighting game, he knocked over the outhouse.  Now Sam was upset and worried that he would get into trouble so he ran into the woods and didn't come out until after got dark.  When he arrived back home, his pappy was waiting for him.  He asked suspiciously, "Son, did you knock over the outhouse this afternoon?"

"No, pappy," Sam lied.

"Well, let me tell you a story," said the father. "Once, not that long ago, Mr Lincoln received a shiny new axe from his father.  Excited, he tried it out on a tree, swiftly cutting it down.  But as he looked at the tree, with dismay he realized it was his mother's favorite cherry tree," his pappy paused." just like you, he ran into the woods. When he returned, his pappy asked, 'Abraham, did you cut down the cherry tree?'  Abraham answered with, 'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did indeed chop down the tree.' Then his father said, 'Well, since you were honest with me, you are spared from punishment. I hope you have learned your lesson, though.' So," the Sam's father asked again," did you knock down the outhouse?"

"Pappy, I cannot tell a lie any more." said the little boy. "I did indeed knock down the outhouse."

Then his pappy father spanked Sam boy red, white, and blue. The boy whimpered, "Pappy, I told you the truth! Why did you spank me?"

Pappy answered, "That's because Abraham Lincoln's father wasn't in the tree when he chopped it down!"

Ten Independence Day Items of Trivia About The Bald Eagle:
Test Your FamilyJuly 4th American Symbol

  1. Benjamin Franklin, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson served on the committee that picked the eagle for the national seal [Franklin wanted the turkey].
  2. Bald eagles have few natural enemies and live only in North America.
  3. Bald eagles get their white head and tail feathers about 4/5 years of age.
  4. Bald eagles are not, and never were bald. The term comes from when "bald" meant "white-headed".
  5. Their maximum speed: 40 mph or over 100 mph while in a dive.
  6. They can lift roughly half their body weight.
  7. The Bald Eagle is no longer considered endangered, and now only threatened.
  8. The only other kind of eagle in North America is the golden eagle.
  9. Bald eagles mate for life, but if one dies, the survivor will accept a new mate.
  10. It is a felony to shoot an eagle.

Rare Copy of United States Declaration of Independence Found

Rare copy of United States Declaration of Independence found in Kew Archives, Richmond, Surrey, EnglandColumbus Day Jokes

The document, which is in perfect condition, is believed to be one of only 200 ever printed and was found among files at the National Archives in Kew in Richmond, Surrey. Will and Guy have learned that it was discovered by an American antiquarian bookseller carrying out research, the Dunlap print of the declaration was printed on July 4, 1776 and brings the total of known surviving copies worldwide to 26.

The last discovery of a Dunlap print was at a flea market in 1989, and it sold at auction in 2000 for 8.14 million US dollars. Dunlaps were the first official printings of the Declaration of Independence and were named after John Dunlap, the printer whose name is given at the bottom of each copy.

Edward Hampshire, the diplomatic and colonial specialist at the National Archives, said, 'This is an incredibly exciting find. The Declaration of Independence is effectively America's birth certificate, making it one of the seminal documents in world history. It is likely that only around 200 of these were ever printed, so uncovering a new one nearly 250 years later is extremely rare, especially one in such good condition.'

More 4th of July One-liners

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

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Historical Humour For 4th JulyPresidents Day

Some Amusing, Funny and Thought Provoking Quotations of Benjamin Franklin [1705-1790]

In the great tradition of American humour, the title of "First American Humorist" rightfully belongs to Benjamin Franklin. He was the beginning of a long line of writers who created a uniquely American form of humour filled with clever wit, folksy wisdom, and a generous portion of irreverence.

In his Poor Richard's Almanac, Franklin wrote many clever sayings which are still part of our cultural heritage today. At 26, Franklin published the first edition of Poor Richard's Almanac under the pseudonym Richard Saunders.

  • Remember that time is money.
  • A little neglect may breed mischief: for want of a nail, the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost.
  • A penny saved is a penny earned.
  • Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain and most fools do.
  • Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
  • Fish and visitors smell in three days.
  • Genius without education is like silver in the mine.
    ...(vr3)
  • God helps them that help themselves.
  • Haste makes waste.
  • Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade?
  • It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
  • Little strokes fell great oaks.
  • Never leave that till to-morrow which you can do to-day.
  • Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
  • Well done is better than well said.
  • In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
  • There never was a good war nor a bad peace.
  • Never contradict anybody.

Ben Franklin experts question whether, in fact, he wrote all his humorous lines. Some believe he researched them and revamped them into his own inimitable style. Whatever the truth Will and Guy are certain that they are witty.

Ben Franklin Tells Us How To Be Seen As A Person With A Brain And A Social Wit

Dr Benjamin Franklin was not really a doctor; his title Doctor was one of those first honorariums given a man of great achievement and reflects the impact he had on his age.

Here are seven ways Benjamin Franklin would suggest you consider to be seen as one with a brain and a social wit.

  1. Elevate, not desecrate. Never use cutting humour, dissect theirs.
  2. Keep your humour light, fun, open to participation.
  3. Reflect your humour to show you row your own boat.
  4. You row merrily, and you attract others to you.
  5. As you deflect bitterness, fear, answers appear.
  6. Your summary encapsulates the situation and hints that the best way out may be to back up to where we went wrong, once we all clearly agree what that was.
  7. Elevate, even exaggerate, achievement. Mock an obvious folly but with a twist. If attacked, return their volley as a mirror.

Will and Guy's Selection of Five of the Best Quotations

  1. Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
  2. Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.
  3. They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
  4. Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.
  5. Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise. July 4th Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin is held in high esteem in the USA as is indicated by his appearance on the largest note: $100 bill.

See our Presidents Day Jokes

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Did You Know?

Independence Day is marked by fireworks, barbecues and parades.

Previously called "rockets," the term "fireworks" was not established until 1777.

Later fireworks that made a noise were invented and called "fire crackers" and by 1880 sparklers had been created.

July 4th Benjamin Franklin

The 4th July Picnic 4th of July Celebrations

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at Albuquerque's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs Warren's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, 'At your wedding.'

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More 4th of July Humor

Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.

Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day.  The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'

Little Andy Was At His First Day of School4th July Independence Day Pledge

Mrs Whyte, his teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the "Pledge of Allegiance"*** and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.

As Mrs Whyte starts the recitation she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag........', when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

'Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart,' she demands.

Andy looks up and replies, 'It is over my heart.'

After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, Mrs Whyte enquires, 'Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?'

'Well Miss,' answers Andy, 'because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, "Bless your little heart," and my Grandma never lies.'

*** On September 8, 1892 a Boston-based youth magazine - The Youth's Companion' published a 22-word recitation for school children to use during planned activities the following month to commemorate the 400th anniversary of Columbus' discovery of America. Under the title "The Pledge to the Flag", the composition was the earliest version of what we now know as the Pledge of Allegiance.

 4th of July on The Humour Scale

Judging by our readers letters, American Independence Day is just not as funny as Halloween, Valentine's Day or even Thanksgiving.

English Humour - Message from Her Majesty The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: English Jokes

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Brief History of American Independence4th of July Celebrations

On July 4, 1776, thirteen colonies claimed independence from England's King George III.  And thus was born the mightiest nation on earth: The United States of America.

Leading up to the signing, there had been growing unrest in the colonies surrounding the taxes that the American colonists were required to pay to England. The major objection was 'Taxation without Representation': the colonists had no say in the decisions of the English Parliament since they did not send representative to sit in the English House of Commons.

Rather than attempting to negotiate a satisfactory settlement, King George sent troops to the colonies to quell any rebellion that might break out.  The following timeline will give you some idea of the history that lead to the signing of the Declaration of Independence and America's break away from British rule.

4th of July Name Trivia

There is a Liberty in Missouri population of about 30,000.  However the state of Iowa has more Liberty places than any other state (Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty and West Liberty).

The most well know 'Independence' is found in Missouri, it has about 120,000 residents.

Five places adopted the name "freedom." New Freedom, Pennsylvania is the most populous with 5,000 residents.

There is but one place named "Patriot" and that is Patriot, Indiana, with a population of 210.

Timeline for Independence4th of July Celebrations

1774 - The 13 colonies send delegates to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to form the First Continental Congress. While unrest was brewing, the colonies were far from ready to declare war.

April 1775 - King George's troops advance on Concord, Massachusetts, prompting Paul Revere's midnight ride that sounded the alarm: "The British are coming, the British are coming."  Thus began the American Revolution at the battle of Concord.

May 1776 - After nearly a year of trying to settle their differences with England, the colonies, once again, send delegates to the Second Continental Congress.

June 1776 - Admitting that their efforts were hopeless, a committee was formed to compose the formal Declaration of Independence. Headed by Thomas Jefferson, the committee also included John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Philip Livingston and Roger Sherman.

June 28, 1776 - Jefferson presents the first draft of the declaration to congress.

July 4, 1776 - After various changes to Jefferson's original draft, a vote was taken late in the afternoon of July 4th. Of the 13 colonies, 9 voted in favour of the Declaration; 2, Pennsylvania and South Carolina voted No; Delaware was undecided and New York abstained.  John Hancock, President of the Continental Congress, was the first to sign the Declaration of Independence. It is said that he signed his name "with a great flourish" so "King George can read that without spectacles!"

July 6, 1776 - The Pennsylvania Evening Post is the first newspaper to print the Declaration of Independence.

July 8, 1776 - The first public reading of the declaration takes place in Philadelphia's Independence Square. The bell in Independence Hall, then known as the "Province Bell" would later be renamed the "Liberty Bell" after its inscription - "Proclaim Liberty Throughout All the Land Unto All the Inhabitants Thereof.Fourth of July"

August 1776 - The task begun on July 4, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was not actually completed until August. Nonetheless, the 4th of July has been accepted as the official anniversary of United States independence from Britain.

July 4, 1777 - The first Independence Day celebration takes place. It's interesting to speculate what those first 4th festivities were like. By the early 1800s the traditions of parades, picnics, and fireworks were firmly established as part of American Independence Day culture.

 

Footnote:
Why do Americans use the date format mm/dd/yy, yet still refer to this day using the English date format of 4th of July?

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