Funny Toilet Humour

Will and Guy's Collection of Funny Toilet Humour Funny pictures of toilet humour

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance; waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope

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Crazy Japanese Toilet

Toilet Humour Jokes funny stories

Toilet SecurityJapanese Gentlemen - Toilet humour
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.  Joey Bishop

Gentlemen

Will and Guy don't know what to make of this 'GENTLEMEN' example of Japanese Toilet humour.  Is the sign writer having a laugh?  Is may also be from somewhere in China, the uncertainty lies in the Japanese practice of borrowing Chinese characters.  Could it really be just an innocent mistake?

Toilet HumourToilettes

Many cultures regard toilet humour as taboo.  Will and Guy think that laughing at toilet humour is an act of rebellion to such repressed thinking.  We were surprised to learn that Japanese toilet humour is so popular.

Quotes from the Newspapers

  • Visitors to Longforth Road public toilets might be interested to know they are now being powered by wind.  (Wellington Weekly News)
  • June 10-16: Open Bowels Tournament Teignmouth.
    (Events Leaflet for South Devon)
  • If Tesco, BHS, ASDA and others can supervise toilets effectively, it's time our council got to the bottom of the matter.  (Wrexham Leader)
  • In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

A Priest Runs out of Petrol

After a Sunday service, the priest ran out of petrol on his way home.   Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away.  Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers.  The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol.  After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot.  Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said: 'Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine, but I think you're pushing your luck with that chamber pot'.

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Funny Toilet Humour - Theme Room with a View!Toilet Humour

Here are a collection of funny pictures of toilets in unusual locations.

Chinese Proverb

Journey of 100,000 steps must begin with trip to rest room.

Cultural Sign

It seems to me that all cultures have variations of this Chinese Great wall sign.

To digress slightly, do you find that when you are in a pub listening to jokes, how one joke reminds you of another?  Well here is an example.

In English the loos are labelled 'Ladies' and 'Gents', but in my homeland, Wales, the word for 'Ladies' is Merched.  Well a group of visiting Japanese tourists were heard to say.'  All day we see everywhere sign posts to this place Merched, but we no find it.  Is it nice place?  Could you direct us to Merched please?'

An Inside Leak

Yan Dabin, a former director of transport for Wushan County, Chongqing, China, was sentenced to death for taking bribes totalling 22.3 million Yuan ($3.5 million).  Apparently he had been in the pay of road building companies to ensure they got lucrative construction contracts.

It was a leaky WC that caused Yan's downfall.  Following a complaint that water was trickling through the ceiling of the vacant apartment above.  When an official investigated they found not only a leaking toilet, but eight waterlogged cardboard boxes containing 9.4 million Yuan.   (Over $1 million).

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Toilet out of order - Use floor belowTop Quality Loo with a View

Toilet with a view

Montezuma's Revenge?

One Russian soldier calls another on morning, their conversation goes like this:

Listen, did we drink beer yesterday?
Yes.

And vodka?
Yes.

And missile fuel?
Yes.

Have you already visited the toilet?
No.

Better you don't go!  I call you now from America!

The Funny Story of the Lady and The Lavatory or Water Closet (WC)

Toilet with a viewMany years ago, remember Will and Guy, you couldn't count on a public toilet facility when travelling either at home or abroad.

This true, short and funny story is about an English woman who was planning a trip of a lifetime to India. She had booked in to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.

In Britain, a bathroom is occasionally called a WC which stands for "Water Closet".

This, rather genteel lady wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring about the WC. The school master who was not very fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.

Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house ... a bathroom never entered their minds.

The Hilarious Reply

Will and Guy are able to share with you the schoolmaster's reply - it could cause paroxysms of mirth.

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.  It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

...(videVfl2)

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.

 

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost! a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.

I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.  The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster.

Will and Guy believe the lady fainted on receipt of the letter and cancelled her holiday to India immediately.

Lavatory With No View Goes for $250,000Lavatory With No View

In London England, house prices are dropping rapidly, but not so the public lavatory sector.  In October 2008 a loo in Fulham Broadway, London was sold yesterday for £403,000, [$250,000] with developers claiming that it would make a great club, school or 'bog-standard cafe'.

Incidentally, this not the first time that someone has paid big money for a public convenience.  In 2007 a one-storey lavatory in the St Andrews, Scotland fetched £195,000,  [$125,000] these loos are selling for three times more than the guide price.

A Romantic Moment?

It was Valentine’s Day. Diana was feeling romantic but her husband, Harvey, was away from home at a business conference, so she sent him a text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

Harvey, a typical down-to-earth, non -romantic male, replied,

  

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Stuck In a Superloo

Toilet out of order - Use floor belowIn Hartlepool, England, six young women decided to squash themselves into a superloo public toilet to save money but all of them became trapped instead. All six were stuck in the toilet for nearly three hours before a passer-by heard their screams and the local fire brigade were called to cut the roof off and let them out. The local police later stated, 'They were furious at being ignored but the sounds of screams from public loos in Hartlepool isn't uncommon!'

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Only The Best Toilet Humour

Byron, a young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep in the same room as his young nephew, Petey.

When Byron came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.  Thinking this was the Petey's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and knelt at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Petey looked up and said, 'Whatcha doin'?'

'Why, the same thing you're doing,' replied the uncle Byron.

'Ma's gonna be mad,' said Petey. 'The pot's on this side.'

Advice from Children

  • Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13.
  • Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9.
  • Don't squat with your spurs on. - Elisabeth, 12.
  • See more funny advice from children.

Toilet Humour at Christmas

Sometimes what happens on Santa's lap, should stay on Santa's lap. Unfortunately, parents won't always let that happen

One little boy, about 4 or 5 years old, was telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas when something unfortunate happened.

'Santa, I farted,' the boy whispered.

'I know, it's OK,' Santa said to him.

Unfortunately, the boy's mother was listening in on the conversation because she wanted to know what her son wanted. But since the boy whispered that part, she had to ask the question out loud.

'What? What did he say he wanted for Christmas?' she asked.
The little boy chimed back as loud as he could, 'No mother, I farted!'

Mum immediately began looking for a crack in the floor to crawl in.

See more on Santa and children.

No Pee SignNo Urination

Nick Seddon was tired with thoughtless youths urinating in an alleyway near his estate agency business.  So Nick ordered a sign from Japan and has fixed it to a wall of the passageway in Fore Street, in the centre of Tiverton, Devon.

Nick Seddon said: "I went online and saw these signs that are used in Tokyo. I thought they were appropriate, so I got a couple made. I can't say I have noticed anybody have a pee there since."

Sergeant Paul Roberts, of Tiverton, said urinating in public was an act of indecency. "Now that we are aware there is an issue, it will be an area we will look at and patrol more often," he said.

Will and Guy hope this sign cures the problem.

Stolen Urinal Returned to Pub

A man who was caught on CCTV carrying a urinal out a pub in Hampshire has given himself up to police.Stolen urinal returned to pub

The 42-year-old man, who has not been named, confessed to police in Salisbury reports BBC news. The man, who has been given a caution, told police that he had taken it from the Royal Oak pub in Southampton as a 'souvenir'. Landlord, Alan Dreja, said that the thief has caused no damage in stealing the urinal and that he was delighted to have it back. He thought that it might put it on display in the pub.

According to the BBC he said, 'The publicity which surrounded the theft seems to have flushed him out.'

A Bride Marries in a Dress Made Out of Toilet Rolls

Bride marries in toilet paperA bride has married in a dress made out of toilet rolls.

Jennifer Cannon and her fiancé, Doy Nichols from Lexington, Kentucky, USA, tied the knot in a temporary public toilet in Times Square, New York. The ceremony has been sponsored by toilet roll company Charmin, reports the Daily Mail.

The dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest.

Will and Guy have read many crazy news items, but this is in our top 10 of incomprehensible events. 

Questions to ponder: who dreamed up the idea for a Toilet Paper Wedding Dress?  How many other entries were there?  How long did their wedding last?

Pauline comments:

The best fashion conscious use I ever saw for toilet paper was in Lido de Jesolo in Italy when I was on holiday in the 1980s. It was a cheap 1 star budget hotel and we had picked up 15 nights plus flight for £119.

Everything seemed grey in the hotel even the pasta, but especially the toilet paper which was recycled before eco correct recycling was invented. It was sort of greyish white paper like badly laundered white underwear that has gone grey. It was also quite crinkled paper the sort with striations like crepe paper and which stretched when you tried to tear a piece.

One night there was fancy dress party. We went as hula girls wearing flowers in our hair and around our necks and sarongs we bought on the beach. But the most enterprising person was a very tall lad who got 3 of his mates to wrap him in just about every roll of grey toilet paper the hotel had. They then carried him down the 3 flights of stairs ( we won't mention the non functioning sole lift) since he was totally bound in the grey paper. He was stupendous and no one could beat how terrific he looked. He was just the right tone of mummified off white grey. He won first prize as the mummy. The wedding dress does not come near his outfit.

Toilet Humour - MythsThomas Crapper Toilet myths

Thomas Crapper

The name of Thomas Crapper appears in any review of toilet myths.  In a nutshell there really was a man of that name; he was a plumber cum toilet maker.  Furthermore, many of his water closets survive to this today, no doubt to rekindle a new bout of toilet humour.

Where the embellishment arises is when people want to credit Crapper with inventing the toilet.  It was probably invented at least 100 years before he created his porcelain masterpieces.

Manure  "S.H.I.T"

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water [at sea] hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could [and did] happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!  Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T", [Stow High In Transit] which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

Footnote:
Sadly, this explaination, while plausible, is in fact one of the early internet myths circa 1998.  We thank Maggie Nutt for this toilet story.

Sound Princess in JapanSeparate Lavatory

Japanese toilets have electronic sounds to mimic the loo flushing, these are called 'Sound Princess'.

This myth is true; many Japanese women are embarrassed at the thought of being heard by others while using the toilet.  Hence someone had the clever idea of playing a sound to obfuscate the sound of bodily functions.  Previously Japanese women flushed public toilets continuously while using them thus wasting a large amount of water.  In consequence the 'Sound Princess' has become the butt of Japanese toilet humour.

Toilets Flush the Opposite Way in Australia

Possibly true due to the 'Coriolis Effect' of the earth's rotation on fluids.  In the northern hemisphere, low pressure storms, water in the bath plughole, and possibly flushing the toilet, cause a counter-clockwise spin.  Whereas in the southern hemisphere, they all spin clockwise because the direction of the Coriolis Effect is reversed.

Toilet Paper Sales Increase when Snow is ForecastTowel Dispenser Empty

Perceived wisdom has it that toilet paper sales increase whenever snow is forecast.  This effect is marginal.  The biggest increases in sales are bread and milk, toilet paper does not make the top 10 for panic buying when bad weather is imminent.

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Remember That Crazy Japanese Toilet?

Toilet Humour Jokes funny stories

Toto Washlet - Not So Crazy Japanese Toilet

Sometimes fact is stranger than fiction.  Kunio Harimoto sells Japan's all-singing, all-dancing latrines around the world.  He says, foreigners are right to identify the Toto Washlet toilet as representative of the country, but they pick on entirely the wrong aspects. The Washlet is not the Japan of pointless whimsy and hygiene obsession but the Japan of green politics, emerging-market exposure and global ambition. With heated seat and self-raising lid.

Toto's progress has been significant. With each generation of Washlet, Toto has enhanced the flushing mechanism so that each use requires less water.  In the 1980s, the average flush used 20 litres. A top-of-the-line "twin tornado" Washlet will perform the same task in 2010 with 3.8 litres. In countries such as China and India - fast growing, but with almighty water-supply issues - this is flush technology with a political angle. Toto Washlet

The Toto Washlet offers the following features:

  1. Automated proximity lid opener with optional music function that plays your favourite tunes for the duration of your visit.
  2. Self-illuminating bowl for night-time toilet visits, including flush sound suppression technology.
  3. Hands-free automatic flush with built-in air purifier and self-cleaning water jet.
  4. Remote-controlled bottom-washing nozzle for "oscillating and pulsating" comfort, remote-controlled bottom dryer.
  5. Adjustable temperature seat warmer.

Snappy Urinals - The Last Word in Funny Toilet HumourToilet Man

Aligator Urinals

Are the above crocodiles, or alligators?  No we think they are dragons.  The picture was taken from the vast convenience, in the city of Chongquing in south-west China.  It is located in the tourist district and authorities are now trying to get it listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the largest public toilet in the world. Local official Lu Xiaoqing boasted, 'We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV.'

 

Footnote:
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