Graveyard Humour

Will and Guy's Graveyard Humour

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away!  Death really hates that!  Matt Frewer

• Graveyard Humour
• Sleeping Prohibited
• Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary
• Best of Graveyard Humour
• The Worst of Graveyard Humour
• Karl Marx Grave
• Stairway to Heaven?
• Another Dead End?

1) Graveyard Humour - Dead End

1a) Cemetery Sign From The Other Direction

Uncle John
When I was a boy, my uncle John told me a tale about a trick that he played in a graveyard.  One night my uncle spotted his friend Eddie wending his way home from the pub through the graveyard.  Eddie was the worse for wear and slightly disoriented, so he cried out 'Where am I' .  John replied, 'Amongst the living' . Where are you cried Eddie' , to which John replied  'Amongst the dead' in his most sepulchral voice.

Eddie sobered up instantly, and would never again take the short cut though the church yard.

2) Sleeping Prohibited

I must admit that I have never seen a 'Sleeping Prohibited' sign, therefore I deduce that someone has cleverly faked the word sleeping in the above picture.

3) Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary

Please join Will and Guy in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 73. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies.  Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

Obituary kindly sent in by Johnny.

4) Best of Graveyard Humour

Parking Meter - Epitaph

Will and Guy think that this parking meter epitaph sums up this page.  Graveyard humour needs to be handled carefully, with style and with dignity; people's feelings must be considered, in this case the parking meter is what the deceased asked for.

This is the site of an actual grave in Okemah, Oklahoma, USA. The deceased had an active sense of humour when alive and had wanted a parking meter on the site of her burial. Her daughter supplied the parking meter with 'Time Expired' notice - see inset below.

On the memorial stone is written: Her Humor Lives On.

A funny story of a funeral wake

Everyone was dismayed that Peter had died. A popular man, he had left Moira, his wife, strict instructions in his will for his wake to be a jolly and happy affair: a celebration of his life. To this end Peter had left £25,000 [$ 52,000 USD] in his will for the party.

As the guests caught their taxis at the end of the wake, Moira was asked by her close friend, Alice, if she thought that Peter would have been pleased. 'Well, I'm sure Peter would have been delighted,' Moira murmured.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied her friend, Alice, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did all this really cost?'

'All of it,' opined Moira, 'every penny of twenty-five thousand pounds.'

'What!' exclaimed Alice in a higher than normal voice, 'I mean, it was very nice, but £25,000?'

Moira took a deep breath and answered, 'Look, Alice, let me explain: the funeral cost £4,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another £2,500. The rest went on the memorial stone.'

Alice worked out the arithmetic in her head, 'Eh?' she exploded for a second time, '£17,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?'

Moira shows Alice her ring finger, 'Oh about 30 carats,' she smiled.

American Graveyard Humour

Gravestone near Uniontown, Pennsylvania, USA:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

Epitaph in cemetery at Girard, Pennsylvania, USA:

In loving memory of Ellen Shannon, aged 25,
Who was accidentally burned March 21, 1870,
By the explosion of a lamp filled with R.E. Danforth's
Non-explosive burning fluid.

A cemetery in Ruidoso, Lincoln County, New Mexico, USA, has this:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

In a cemetery in Thurmont, Frederick County, Maryland, USA:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

Found in a cemetery in Albany, New York, USA:

Harry Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

Found in La Pointe, Wisconsin, USA:

To the Memory of Abraham Beaulieu
Born 15 September 1822
Accidentally shot 4th April 1844
As a mark of affection from his brother.

Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood cemetery, Richmond, Virginia, USA:

She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

Found in Elmwood cemetery, Burlington, Vermont, USA:

She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life

Scottish Graveyard Humour

Archie

Archie, an old Scottish gravedigger was asked how business was. Archie replied, 'Oh, very poorly, very poorly indeed. I havena' buried a livin' soul for six weeks.'  

Fergus

Annie, an elderly Scots lady, lay dying. She looked up and asked her husband if he would do her just one small favour before she went. 'Fergus,' she asked, 'on the day o' the funeral I'd like ye tae ride in the same coach as ma mother.'

To which Fergus replied, 'A' richt, Annie. I'll dae that tae please ye. But ye've completely spoilt the day for me.'

English Graveyard Humour

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.  Sir Winston Churchill

Unusual, Strange Graveyard Humour

In Ribbesford cemetery, near Bewdsley, Worcestershire, England

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

5) The Worst of Graveyard Humour

6) Karl Marx Grave

I always wondered if Karl Marx's grave was a Communist plot.

One popular general knowledge questions is: Where was Karl Marx buried? 
Answer: Highgate Cemetery London.

Another popular spoof is that Karl Marx was Groucho's 5th Marx Brother.

7) Stairway to Heaven?

8) Another Dead End?  Or another road to nowhere?

Try climbing those stairs

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