Funny Navy Pictures
Last week Alec Jones was home on leave, unfortunately he was barred from Walmart shops in Jacksonville. As he entered the store a large man on the door greeted him by asking if he wanted decking. Alec, luckily, got the first punch in.
Matelots Not Thrilled With New Warship
Cut backs on the number of showers on naval ships means that sailors have to take their daily wash in the sea
A Good Reason to Join The Navy
After he passed the enlistment physical examination, Alan, was asked by the doctor, 'Why do you want to join the Navy, son?'
'My father said it'd be a good idea, sir,' Alan murmured.
'Oh! And what does your father do?' Asked the good doctor.
'He's in the Army, sir.'
Will and Guy wonder how your country's armed forces are fairing with their defence cuts? If you know the answer, please send us your funny navy vehicles.
New British Destroyer
Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights legislation.
They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health& Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal 'Hello Sailor'. All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non-specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.
Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast. The Prime Minister said that, 'While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation'. His final words were, "Britain never, never, never waives the rules!"
Funny Army Pictures
The scenario: A boat tied up in Portsmouth dock. Out jumped lots of men in suits - camera crews everywhere.
What do we see, but a deckhand on board his trawler mending nets. A man in a suit is being filmed by the BBC news team: 'Excuse me, said the suit, I'm Doctor Harwood* the minister for agriculture and fisheries, what are your views on the common market fisheries policies?'
Trawler man Evans: 'Ain't got none mate, but while you're 'ere can you 'ave a look at my piles!'
* Name changed to protect the guilty.
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