A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father
invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
'So what are your plans?'
the father asks the young man. 'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do
to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the
young man replies, 'God will provide for us.' 'And children?' asks the
father. 'How will you support children?'
"Don't worry, sir, God will
provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and
each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will
provide.
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?' The
father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks
I'm God.'
Advice From Children
Never allow your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14.
Felt markers are not good to use
as lipstick. - Lauren, 9.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a
baseball bat. - Joel, 10.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it
to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13.
The mug that has spawned a myriad of conspiracy theories. Firstly
the facts, this souvenir mug has been produced in China to mark the first
anniversary of the marriage of the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William.
However the picture on the front matches Kate with Prince Harry and not
Prince William.
Theory 1 The mug was commissioned by Harry, after all
he is a well known royal prankster.
Theory 2 It was just another in the long line of
jokes from English speakers in Chinese packaging departments. Perhaps
the original was 'Sorry we have up messed your order'.
Theory 3 A genuine if careless error along the lines
that all we Caucasians look the same to the Chinese.
Senior Texting Codes
Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas.
Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:
Top 10 Senior Texting Codes
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots,
especially during evening hours, the Melbourne City Council, Australia has
established a "Women Only" parking lot.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a
comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
Please see below for the first picture available of this world-first
parking lot in Australia:
The Pope-mobile Causes a Stir in Germany
In 2011 Pope Benedict the XV1 made an emotional trip to his homeland
Germany. The papal flight touched down at Berlin's Brandenburg
Airport. After lugging all of Pope Benedict's bags into the limo,
Herman the driver, notices that the Pope is still standing on the pavement.
Pardon me, Your Holiness,' says Herman, 'Would you please take your seat
so we can get to the Olympic Stadium in time?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive for old
time's sake now I am back in Germany.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
'But who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets into the rear seat as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision because after
exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to over
200 kms.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear police sirens.
Duly the Pope pulls over and winds-down the window. The Autobahnpolizei approaches the pope-mobile, takes one look inside, goes back
to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to Chief Rhode,' he says to the dispatcher.
Chief Otto Rhode gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo doing 200 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's
really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really
important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, mayor Klaus Wowereit?'
Autobahnpolizei: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'A member of parliament?'
Autobahnpolizei: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Chancellor of Germany?'
Autobahnpolizei:: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Autobahnpolizei: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled
and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Autobahnpolizei: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
A Very Funny Indian Joke
A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Delhi and asked to be
taken to the Indira Gandhi airport.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, 'Oh! Toyota - Made
in Japan! Very fast!'
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. 'Oh! Nissan - Made
in Japan! Very fast!' Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said,
'Oh! Mitsubishi - Made in Japan! Very fast!'
The taxi driver, who was 100% Indian, was starting to get a little
annoyed that the Japanese made cars were passing his taxi, when yet another
car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport. 'Oh! Honda - Made
in Japan! Very fast!'
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, 'That'll
be Rupees 500.' 'Rupees 500? It was short ride! Why so much?'
The Taxi driver smiled as he replied, 'Meter - Made in India. Very fast.'
The Irish Wedding
At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the
married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life
worth living.'
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
That Was a Tough Year
It's been a tough year, but I've made it so far!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
#
How They Forecast a Cold
Winter
One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was
asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2011/12 was going to be cold
or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost
touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great
Lakes.
In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming
winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and
the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.
'Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,' the meteorological officer
told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told
the men to collect plenty of firewood.
A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for
an update. 'Are you still forecasting a cold winter?' he asked.
'Yes, very cold', the weather officer told him.
As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the
tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.
A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more
and asked about the coming winter. 'Yes,' he was told, 'it is going to
be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied: 'Because the Native Americans of the Great
Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.'
Clever Fishing Technique
Funny Fishy One-liners
Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The
worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
I got a new fly rod, and a reel for my wife.... best trade I ever made.
Fishy Tale Question. What is the difference between a hunter
and a fisherman? Answer. A hunter lies in wait, and a fisherman waits and lies.
Door-to-Door Bus Service?
Why Do Women Live Longer?
Teresa Brown was interested in gender roles Sunni Muslims particularly in
Afghanistan. Back in the 1990s long before the current Afghan
hostility she spotted that women walk about four paces behind their
husbands.
When Teresa returned to Kabul in 2011 she noted with regret that women
still walk behind their husbands. She pondered why, despite the
establishment of women's rights, wives still pace behind their husbands.
Later the intrepid reporter fell into conversation with one of the
Afghani women and asked, 'Why are you so happy with an old custom that
you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Brown straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, "Land mines."
She filed her report back to America with the leader:
Behind every Afghan man, there's a smart woman!
Thanks once again to Ken Green for spotting a funny story.
Will and Guy's Top Ten Funny House Names
Bogg View has been seen; it is, apparently opposite a public toilet
Costa Plenty can be viewed outside Beckenham, Kent, England
Esso View is opposite a petrol [gas] station in England
Rosa told us she saw a picturesque row of thatched cottages and the
one on the end was called 'The Last Straw'
Ersanmyne is a house name outside Ferndown, Dorset, England
Of course there are the old faithfuls: Dunroamin; Dunworkin;
Dunwhining; Dunin; Dunkerrin; all over the UK and Ireland
Hodge Podge Lodge was sent to Will by Fred from Glasgow
Badde Manors
Windy Heights was spotted in Somerset, England on a house at the top
of a hill
John and Maureen Franklin's home is named 'Moonraker' because they
both originate from the county of Wiltshire, England
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a
knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,'
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon,
young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
Have you realised yet that computers are controlling more and more
aspects of our lives? It is a genuine concern as this short story tells us.
For instance, if you've worked in a modern office building, you've
probably come across the ventilation problem: if you get hot, you can't just
open the window. You usually have to ask 'building services', often in a
call centre on the other side of the world, to turn up the air conditioning
via the building's computer system.
However, there is a company in New Zealand Will and Guy have been told
who might be rethinking their reliance on this type of computer control.
Mill St "Pak'n Save Supermarket" in Hamilton, New Zealand was supposed
to be closed for Good Friday.
However, it seems that no one told the Computer in charge of controlling
the shop, meaning that the doors were opened as normal on Friday morning and
the lights turned on, but without any staff being at work.
Naturally the stock didn't stay on the shelves for long; but most of the
"customers" didn't go to the trouble of paying for it, although some did,
using the automated checkouts.
Will and Guy are beginning to think that maybe it's time to rethink how
much power we give to our Computers.
Aussie Darel Takes a Dive
Monty Kelly, a rich man living near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Darel,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
and BBQ and flirting ...
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.
Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again,
Darel said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?
Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'
Footnote: Thanks to Ken Green for sending in this
funny Aussie story.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the
truth. - Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism,
563-483 B.C.)
I don't know if there are men on the moon, but if there are they
must be using the earth as their lunatic asylum - George Bernard Shaw
See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the
stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...we need silence
to be able to touch souls. - Mother Theresa
Man is now able to soar into outer space and reach up to the moon;
but he is not moral enough to live at peace with his neighbour! - Sri
Sathya Sai Baba
Reach for the moon, because if you don't make it you'll land among
the stars. - William Cullen Bryant
Army - Appropriate Clothing Must Always Be Worn
Brigadier Preston-Jago of the Royal Army Maintenance Corps was undergoing
a court-martial for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young
lady through the hallways of the Grafton Hotel, Catterick, Yorkshire,
England, in which they were both residing.
Neither of them were wearing any clothing whatsoever. The main charge was
that of "being out of uniform."
The Brigadier's lawyer, a clever cove, argued that the officer was not
"out of uniform", as the regulations read, 'An Army officer must be at all
times be appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.'
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for
departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in
arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded,
'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'
¤¤
What Is a Grandparent?
Funny, But Real, Answers
Will and Guy's friend, Mrs Margaret Mather is a Primary school teacher;
she has recorded the answers she was given in a class discussion, they could
make you smile or even laugh:
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of
their own. They like other peoples.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come
to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good
if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and
also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How
come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend
time with us.
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say
prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
#
The Whale - A Beautiful and Thought-Provoking Tale
Will and Guy have been sent this report by two of our regular
contributors to the site - Maggie Nutt and John Reeves. We are grateful for
their additions.
A female humpback whale had become entangled in a spider web of crab
traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that
caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards
of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in
her mouth.
A fisherman spotted her just east of the Faralon Islands [off the coast
of San Francisco, California, USA] and radioed for help. Within a few hours,
the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so badly off, the only
way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. A very dangerous
proposition as one slap of the tail could kill a prospective rescuer.
They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.
When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous
circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, nudged
them, and pushed gently, thanking them. Some said it was the most
incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.
The man who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him
the whole time, and he will never be the same.
May you and all those you love, be so fortunate as to be surrounded by
people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you
and may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.
ф
Paraprosdokian
Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which is well understood by comedians, hence our inclusion on this
site! The key point is that the final words make the reader see the first part of the
sentence in a new light. Here are some examples:
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptised.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with
red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the chapel reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long
and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
head of human resources. The new boss was determined to rid the company of
all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against
a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know
that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make
a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $500 a
week. Why?"
The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his
office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and
said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room
and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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