A Funny Thought for the Day

Will and Guy's Humour: A Funny Thought for the Day

• Funny Thought for the Day - Inner Strength
• A Thought of the Day
• Thought for the Day - How to Stay Young
• More Funny Thoughts of the Day
• Funny Thought for the Day - Miscellany
• Not So Deep Thoughts
• More Odd Examples of Thought for the Day

Funny Thought for the Day - Inner Strength

• If you can start the day without caffeine
• If you can get going without pep pills
• If you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
• If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it
• If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time
• If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault of yours  something goes wrong
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
• If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him
• If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit
• If you can conquer tension without medical help
• If you can relax without liquor
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs
• .....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

A Thought for the Day [Kindly sent in by John Morris]

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.

There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'

'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

Thought for the day - How to Stay Young

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them!'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.' An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity

More Funny Thoughts of the Day

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' I'm four and a half!' you're never thirty-six and a half. you're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.' I'm 100 and a half!'

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Funny Thought for the Day - Miscellany

Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavour?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Not So Deep Thoughts

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and overtake them.

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Seven Funny Thoughts with Attitude

1. Do you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea... does that mean that one in five enjoys it?
4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
6. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

When researching 'Thought of the day', Will and Guy found some odd examples of sayings which may make you smile.

• If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
• Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain
• The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
• Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
• If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
• One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Snippets - Pause for thought

• If the cops arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• Hermits have no peer group pressure.
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why in a country of free speech, why are there ' phone bills?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have a Funny Thought for the Day

• Sunday Home

See more wise words of wisdom, witticisms and quotes

● Wise Words   ● Wise words quotes   ● Witticisms   ● Wisdom    ● Sayings   ● Sisterhood   ● Maturity

● A funny word   ● Funny thought of the day   ● Perks for over 60s   ● Thoughts to ponder   ● Home