Those personal, or small ads, that you find in the classified columns of any newspaper are a rich source of humour. They
say that top comedians have a team of researches scouring newspaper headlines for
amusing material to incorporate in their jokes and one-liners. Let us follow their lead and flick thought the small ads.
Indecision - I cannot decide The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and cream cakes and hence dying from heart disease; then in the next breath, they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension
money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
Mail order? or Female Order? I
am married to a Malaysian lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around two million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
Ironing Buddies My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can
anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
My Mum's Older than Your Mum
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Alton Towers 'Where the magic never ends', or so Alton Towers' publicity claims.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30pm.
Clever Son of a Gun? A Mercedes car was involved in an accident in York
Street, Doncaster. As expected a crowd gathered and a journalist from the Doncaster Evening News was anxious to get a story but he could not get near the car. Being a clever cove, he started shouting loudly,
'Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.' The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
(Trivia: Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes!)
Clamp down I'll never understand my next door neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has parked
it in his own drive. I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Small Fry? On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the 'Chips 'r Us' fish and chippy on the Sutton Road.
Mon. For Sale: - W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 565-0747 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him
Tues. NOTICE - We regret having erred in W.A. Harris's
ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap:
565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him after 7 p.m.
Wed. NOTICE - W.A. Harris has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in
his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE -
W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 565-0747 and ask
for Mrs. O'Hara who loves with him.
Thurs. NOTICE - I, W.A. Harris, have NO sewing machine
for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 565-0747, as the telephone has been
disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. O'Hara. Until yesterday
she was my housekeeper, but she quit.